Insane entrepreneur to sell lacquered waffles as 'tic-tac-toe' boards

So, moving, moving, moving and more moving. This would've been far simpler had we rented a truck and moved all our crap at one time. Unfortunately, moving trucks cost money and being that we were already hemorhaging money at an alarming rate it seemed an unneccesary expense.

Anyway, we've already got most of our stuff moved in and I believe our first official night there will be Friday (also rent day). Saturday I'm going to a bar or brewery with my friend Amanda to catch a band and then Sunday I'm off to Pretty Lake Vacation Camp for counselor training.

Funny moving story: The parking lot outside our building has a tree stump in it, right in the center of two spaces, seriously. My sister parked right in front of the afformentioned stump yesterday. When we left, instead of backing up, she forgot about the stump and tried to pull through (I also forgot about the stump but as I wasn't the one driving I refuse to take credit for her hitting it) and 'whammo!', hi meestah stump! Luckilly, no damage was done save that to Melissa's pride.

I'm gonna have to get a picture of our bookshelf. It's like post-modern white trash decor. Cinderblocks and 2x4's, but we stained the boards so they more resemble oak than the pine they actually are. I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well Phil, that's kind of like spraying air freshener after you use the toilet but not actually flushing it- it's still cement blocks and boards.", and you would be entirely correct, but I still like it. It also cast the sheer volume of books we have into a new light. I filled up 2 47-inch shelves and one 58-inch shelf and only managed to kill 3 and a half of my 5 boxes of books. I suppose would could add to it but I fear adding another shelf or two and we'd be in danger of having the whole thing tip over.

The rest of the appartment is pretty interesting too. For a dining room table we have a card table and undersized metal folding chairs. We have a spiffy circa 1950's diner wall clock but nowhere to hang it. Our microwave sits on top of the fridge because there only place that has an outlet and a suitable amount of counter-space is right next to the sink and that just seemed like a bad idea. Whoever designed our cupboards needs to be severely beaten. There's like 6-thousand of them and only a few can actually accomadate more than 4 boxes of hamburger helper. It's like the guy who designed them used a case of Ramen Noodles as his basis of how large they needed to be and that's utterly ignoring that half of them are over 7 feet high and Melissa can't even reach them. What I'm really saying is: Stop on by and experience the weirdness for yourself!

This blog won't be updated much once Sunday gets here but I'll try to update it during my breaks. Keep it rockin' for the kids!

Fearless Ferret Foils Fiendish Foe

Joss Whedon speaks out against the culture of misogyny.

There's not really anything I can add to that. I do not suffer from delusion of grandeur to the extent that I think I could say it any better than Joss. What I do want is to encourage you to take his advice. Donate some time or some money or, if you're broke and very busy, at least speak out. We can't eradicate gender prejudice any more than we've been able to eradicate racial prejudice or any other insane ideology out there, but that doesn't mean we should be okay with it and it sure as hell doesn't mean we shouldn't fight it.

Logic now declared "stupid person's fiction"

So, moving out on Saturday. Well I'm not entirely moving out on Saturday, just starting the process. If anyone knows where I can scored a cheap bedframe in the Kalamazoo area, you give me a holler, okay?

Coming up on the move has causes a certain degree of nostalgia, various floods of old memories and, inexplicably, some introspection. Taken as a whole, I don't think I could've asked for a better quarter-century... well I could've but it seems to me that things worked out for the best despite me still lacking a college degree (oh how I wish I had a framed piece of smart-paper to hang next to me at the next retail store or fast food joint I'll inevitably become employed at). Anyway, my bitterness about the post-secondary education system aside, I do have something I'd like to discuss, a memory I thought long lost that came back, I believe, as a product of the VT shootings and my introspection.

About 6 years ago now I lead a youth group lesson on bullying as a result of an article I'd read in one of the Detroit papers. The article told the story of Tempest Smith, a 12-year old wiccan girl who had been bullied by her classmates because of her religious beliefs. They would literally form a circle around her and sing "Jesus loves me". Tempest hung herself on February 20th, 2001. For whatever reason, the story stuck with me. Likely it's because I was bullied when I was younger. 4th through 8th grades were not happy years for me and it certainly felt like hell at the time. But this really isn't about me. I've neither gone on a shooting rampage and as you can tell by me typing this, I haven't killed myself either.

In truth, this article isn't even really about bullying or those who snap due to it. It's about the fundamental belief behind the bullying. The fundamental belief that Ayn Rand claimed as the fundamental evil of all human-kind. The belief that the lives of others aren't as valuable as your own. Even the golden rule is an off-shoot of this notion. You should not treat others well because "it's the right thing to do" but because you realize that every other person you come in contact with has a life equal in value to your own.

Unfortunately folks have made the golden rule the basis for their broken morality instead of the virtue of valuing life that the golden rule is founded upon. It's been one longass time since anyone considered the meaning of "All men are created equal". Think I'm exagerating? Think I've finally lost the plot? Check your local TV schedules. See all the reality TV? It's misery on parade.

Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to blame the victims of any of the school shooting over the last decade. The shooters made a choice and for that they are responsible. However, it should be noted that the shooters were, in all the cases I've heard, vicitims first in their own right. What it comes down to then, is the idea that we should treat others as though their lives hold value equal to our own. It is my belief that if we do, similar tragedies will be avoided in the future.

Read this post, or the terrorists win

Okay, this should be my last Lions post until August (preseason) so be thankful and enjoy.

Defense, defense, defense.

Bit of a shakeup on the defensive line over the last year. Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson left the team before the start of last year leaving Shaun Rogers and Shaun Cody to man the DT/UT positions while James Hall and Cory Redding played DE. A few games into the '06 season James Hall hurt his shoulder and was subsequently traded to St. Louis for a 5th round pick at the end of the season. Shaun Rogers played in the first 6 games of the '06 season and got suspended for a violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy, went in for surgery during his suspension and more was wrong than they thought so he was moved from the 'Suspended' category directly to 'Injured/Reserve'. Shaun Cody dislocated a toe 6 games into the '06 season and promptly joined Rogers and Hall 'Injured/Reserve' list. This prompted Cory Redding to be moved from the DE position to DT where he thrived. This year he's expected to start alongside Shaun Rogers with Shaun Cody working in on a rotation in what could well be one of the best DT/UT combinations in the NFL. As of right now Dewayne White will be starting on one side but the other position remains in limbo. Ikaika '5-0' Alama-Francis will certainly be a contender but unless he learns at very rapid rate I wouldn't expect him to start right off the bat though I do expect him to work in on a rotation until he does, likely 4-8 games into the '07 season. Until then I expect Kalimba Edwards and/or Jared Devries to carry the bulk of the load.

Linebacker in Detroit has been.. how to put this? It's like a really bad running joke. Seriously, Mike Cofer was our lone leftover from the Lions' "Silver Rush" defense of the 80's and since that group retired all we've had has been Chris Spielman and Stephen Boyd. Reggie Brown could've been in that group had he not suffered a career-ending neck injury. Since then it's been a bunch of injured under-achievers... until last year. Ernie Sims came in last year and as a rookie and lead the team in tackles, a feat last accomplished in 1988 by Spielman. It's a foregone conclusion that he'll retain his starting job at the Will position (Will, Mike, Sam - Defense speak for Weakside, Middle and Strongside). It's likely that Boss Bailey will return as the starter at the Sam position. Bailey showed some promise last year recording 85 tackles with only 12 starts, though his ability to remain injury free is still questionable. In the middle Teddy Lehman, Paris Lenon and rookie Johnny Baldwin will vie for the starting role. Lehman started every game his rookie season, recording 120 tackles but has only managed to play in 9 games over the last 2 seasons. Reports say he's healthy and if he can return to his form of 2 years ago it's likely the starting job is his. Lenon had a good season in '06 starting every game and had 97 tackles, which is a bit misleading as he lacks aggression which translates into him getting the tackles after the opposing RB has already gained 5 yards. Johnny Baldwin is an utterly unknown quantity out of Alabama A&M but Rod Marinelli gushes about the kid, so if his talent translates well into the NFL game he could emerge as a starter this year though I suspect that won't happen until at next season at the earliest.

The only bigger joke on the Lions' team other than LB over the past few years has been their CBs. Dre Bly is gone and Fernando Bryant is back from yet another injury (Ernie Sims accidentally knocked him out briefly and gave him a concussion causing him to miss the final 4 games of the season) which brings his grand total to 22 games played in the last 3 years. Starting opposite him is anyone's guess, and mine is Travis Fisher who, on average, breaks his arm every other year or so. When these two go down the Lions have no shortage of backups with Stanley Wilson, Keith Smith and Dee McCann all returning from last year in addition to 2 rookie draft picks from this year and 3 other FA signings. While the talent is questionable, one thing is certain... there's a lot of them.

We're actually sitting nicely at Safety this year for the first time since Bennie Blades and William White played (Ron Rice had a few good years and so did Mark Carrier but I'm talking 2 competent safeties) with Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks starting. Rookie draft pick Gerald Alexander is quite likely Kennedy's replacement but probably not this year and FA signing Idrees Bashir was only brought in to add depth.

We're sitting pretty at Specialist this year with both Jason Hanson and Nick Harris returning. Hanson enters his 16th season as only the 13th player in NFL history to break the 1,500 point barrier (which is really saying something when you play for Detroit) and is currently 5th in points among active NFL players and I think he's 13th or so all-time. Harris didn't duplicate his punting brilliance of '05 but still had a good year in '06 ranking 5th in the NFL for punting average. Shout-out here to longsnapper Don Mulbach who remained virtually invisible last year by not screwing up, which is the only time anyone notices a LS.

Pleated skirt reportedly transformed into kilt when a man put it on

Back to back Detroit Lions posts, scary, no?

Yesterday I covered who we've added since the off-season began, today I'll cover how it should, theoretically, all work once the season begins. Please note that all theoretical starters are subject to injury.

On offense, Jon Kitna will remain the starting QB and Dan Orlovsky will move into the 2nd string role at least the first half of the season while Stanton will fill the role of 3rd string emergency QB. Stanton is reportedly having his entire technique stripped down (literally, he was on the radio the other day talking about how Martz is changing everything he does, from how he drops back to the way he grips the ball) so I think it's unlikely he'll see any time this year in between re-learning how to play QB and learning one of the more complex offenses in football. Last year Kitna was sacked 63 times, threw 22 interceptions and lost 9 fumbles. For those of you out there who lack an affinity with math, that nearly 4 sacks and almost 2 turnovers per game on average. Still, he did manage to throw for over 4,200 yards and 21 TDs. Personally I'm hoping the reduction in QB pressure the team seems to be shooting for also translates into a turnover reduction, otherwise Dan or Drew might be stepping under center.

In front of Kitna we should see a far healthier and sturdier offensive line with G Damien Woody returning from injury, C Dominic Raiola returns for his 7th season as he nears in on 100 consecutive games played, new addition G Edwin Mulitalo joins the crew from the Ravens, Jeff Backus, also back for his 7th season at Left Tackle, has never missed a game and is 4 shy of the century mark himself. Right Tackle is still anyone's guess at this point but I suspect George Foster from Denver will land the job unless Jonathan Scott makes some truly impressive strides during traning camp.

If Kevin Jones is at 100% I think we can expect to see him starting and sharing time with T.J. Duckett coming in for short yardage situations. If that's the case I expect the Lions to trade Tatum Bell, likely for a backup caliber CB or possibly a 3rd, 4th or 5th round pick in next year's draft. Simply put, Bell can start in this league and therefore demands a certain amount of money that Detroit won't want to spend if Jones is healthy. Brian Calhoun was initially brought in as a 3rd down back last year before Martz learned how good Kevin Jones's hand were. His future is in question given that Jones has proven that he can be an every down back from an ability standpoint, though Martz loves Calhoun's versatility given that he has the hands and speed to line up as a WR and work as return-man. Shawn Bryson's job is virtually secured given that he can line up as a RB, TB or FB so as long as he has developed his catching ability since last season his job should be secure. Will Matthews has vanished from the Lions depth chart, while no official news has come down the pipe I think we can assume he's been cut and I expect Aveion Cason to join him if Kevin Jones is healthy.

If you think the people lining up to get cut at RB is impressive you should see the WR corps. Roy Williams and Mike Furrey return as the only Lions receiving duo to each break the 1,000 yard mark in a season this millenia. Calvin Johnson joins the NFC leader in receptions (Furrey) and yards (Williams) in hopes of making this particular group the most dynamic Detroit has had since Herman Moore, Brett Perriman and Johnnie Morton caught a combined 275 passes in 1995 (Moore and Perriman breaking the NFL tandem receiving record with 231 receptions). Mention this to any Lions fan and you'll likely see a glimmer of hope, maybe a tear and possibly some weeping. The 4th spot still hangs in limbo although it seems likely that the spot will go to Shaun McDonald who inked a long-term deal a few weeks ago. Eddie Drumond figures to remain on the roster due to his prowess as a return-man despite his less than breath-taking performance the last 2 seasons. Devale Ellis remains on the roster, the only rookie WR from last year to survive this long. An undersized speedy receiver (Martz loves these guys, God knows why) out of Hofstra, if he's made some progress from a year ago it's likely he won't get cut. I could list the other WRs (5 in all) but all I could really tell you is that one of them is from St. Louis and we cut him last year, how he's back on the roster is a bit of a mystery to me.

Finally, time to address the tight ends. Casey FitzSimmons was the projected starter going into the '06 season but broke his wrist in the first preseason game; while still managing to play in 11 games he never appeared to be at 100%. He was replaced by veteran and first year Lion Dan Campbell who played in every game, catching 21 passes for 308 yards and 4 TDs which may not sound like much until you know that the Lions picked Campbell up for his blocking ability. Which one will start? It's hard to say, really. If FitzSimmons is back at 100% this year I suspect the two will split time. FitzSimmons, if healthy, is faster than Campbell and is just as sure-handed while Campbell is the superior blocker. 3rd-stringer Sean McHugh didn't see much time at TE last season but did get put in at FB occasionally. Given that the Lions don't have a FB on the roster currently it would come as no surprise if McHugh reprised that roll a second season.

Plan on seeing a post covering the Lions defense sometime later this week.

I move out on May 19th. It's creeping up and freaking me out. Comforting correspondence and furniture offers may be directed to my email.

Psychometrist claims ability to hack into computer by touching its case

Let's talk some Detroit Lions football.

Why Detroit? Well that's who I'm a fan of and every other hack out there is writing a review of his or her favorite team, so I feel that in the spirit of being a well-rounded hack I should also take my blunt axe to this particular topic.

Covering their free-agency moves first, let's look at their noisiest move: Trading CB Dre Bly to the Denver Broncos for RB Tatum Bell, T George Foster and a 5th round draft pick. A lot of folks didn't like this move. On the surface it seems absurd to trade away the only defensive back we've had in the last 30 years to appear in multiple pro-bowls (a big shout out here to Lem Barney) but when you just look at the surface you miss most of the story. Dre Bly is a cover corner and the Lions run a 'Tampa 2' style defense, which relies on physical CBs who jam the receivers at the line of scrimmage and then drop back to play zone coverage, not man to man, and are also responsible for 'run-support' which in essence means forcing ball-carriers back to the center of the field. Dre Bly is simply not made to play in a Tampa 2 system, throw that in with the fact he's a malcontent and all of a sudden this trade makes perfect sense.

In return the Lions got Tatum Bell, a good addition to a Lions' backfield which finished the season featuring two RBs that didn't even start the '06 season on the roster while all those that did finished the season on Injured/Reserve. There are a lot of questions surrounding Bell given that Denver RBs tend to succeed in Mike Shannahan's running system for a few years and then generally quietly retire. They also got OT George Foster who I have listed as the projected starter at Left Tackle for the '07 season.

The Lions also traded away DE James Hall to St. Louis for a 5th round draft pick. To fill this void the Lions signed DE Dewayne White from Tampa Bay. Little is known about White, who in his 4 previous seasons has played mainly a reserve role backing up Simeon Rice. When Rice went down with an injury last season White stepped in and played very well, prompting the Lions to ink him to a long-term deal when he hit the free-agency market this year.

A few other notable acquisitions: RB T.J. Duckett was signed in what appears to be an attempt to alleviate stress on Kevin Jones (or Tatum Bell if Jones isn't fully recovered from his lis-franc injury suffered at the end of last season) in short yardage situations. Considering that each of the 4 teams that played in the AFC and NFC championship games last year featured a 'two-back attack' this move makes all kinds of sense. G Edwin Mulitalo was signed from the Ravens in order to bolster the pathetic offensive line play from last year which allowed a league high 63 sacks. Mulitalo's credentials include paving the way for former Ravens RB Jamal Lewis in his 2,000 yard season. The Lions also signed CB Travis Fisher who, in addition to have broken his arm twice in his career, is expected to compete with a whole bunch of other guys I either haven't heard of or wish I could forget to see who will take Dre Bly's spot and also to see who gets to come in when Fernando Bryant gets hurt. AGAIN. A whole slew of WR's were signed to short term deals (I count 6 names that weren't on the roster last year) in what will likely be a vain attempt to find a competent number 4 receiver. I believe Shaun McDonald is the only one who got a deal lasting over 1 year, meaning I expect most of these guys to be cut shortly after training camp.

The draft this year was quite interesting. Taking WR Calvin Johnson with the number 2 overall selection was pretty much a foregone conclusion unless the Lions could get a blockbuster trade from another team to move up into their spot. At 6'4 with great hands, a 4.35 40 time and a work ethic worthy of Jerry Rice, we expect Calvin to make an immediate impact on the offense which last year was, at best, spotty. With their second pick the Lions traded down to take QB Drew Stanton out of Michigan State. Stanton played on a horrible MSU team last year and still managed to play well. Mike Martz loves him and he's expected to be tutored under John Kitna for the next year or two and eventually take over. With their 2nd-2nd-round pick the Lions added DE Ikaika Alama-Francis who Rod Marinelli refers to as '5-0' since Ikaika came out of Hawaii and Marinelli can't pronounce his first name. Alama-Francis is probably the most intriguing prospect of the Lions entire draft given his raw athleticism and the fact he didn't start playing football until 2003. With their 3rd-2nd-round selection the Lions picked up S Gerald Alexander out of Boise State. A converted corner with solid speed and great aggression make him a natural to play in Marinelli's Tamp 2 scheme, though, barring injuries, I don't expect him to start until the latter half of the season if at all given that Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks are both solid safeties. With our 3rd round pick we added CB Usama Young out of Kent State. A ball-hawk with great speed and aggression he figures to become a solid corner in the Tampa 2 system, but probably not this year.

Keep an eye on: Manuel Ramirez, an overlooked guard who had an awesome senior bowl and Jonny Baldwin, a LB out of Alabama A&M that virtually no one had heard of, both drafted by the Lions in the 4th and 5th rounds respectively.

Divining the true nature of Qi

Moving to a true post-industrial America

To preface my essay here I’d just like to say, to those who don’t already know, I’m from Michigan. When people talk about economic well-being and job increases, I know they aren’t talking about my state which has lost 308,900 jobs between 2000 and 2005 and an overall loss of 25% of our manufacturing work-force (source). The aforementioned source also predicts the state hitting 7.9% unemployment by the end of this year, our highest since 1992.

Many individuals would like to blame our Mayor, Jennifer Granholm. While I don’t think she’s entirely innocent, I tend to believe economists who say that this country is shifting to a “post-industrial society”. If you don’t want to click the link, let me summarize: The shift from an industrial based economy to a post-industrial economy is simply a shift from a manufacturing base to one of service and technology. This means, essentially, that we’re going to lose a good deal of our manufacturing jobs, which means that states like Michigan are going to take a tremendous job hit at the outset (and so far as we can see, run at a 50% higher unemployment rate than the country’s average). The question is then, what can we do about it? This question pre-supposes that it will be necessary to do something about it, that we will have to plot a course rather than let the economic shift have free-reign.

In that spirit, let me explain why I feel it is utterly imperative that we chart a course for the future, not only for Michigan but for the country. Let me ask two questions, two questions that shape the basis for my argument. 1. Where are the manufacturing jobs going? 2. Where are the I.T. jobs going? We all know that since the passage of NAFTA and CAFTA that our manufacturing jobs and have been moving down to Mexico and now further south. As to our I.T. jobs, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has talked to an Indian when looking for some computer help. Now let’s put two and two together folks, if we’re out-sourcing both our past base (manufacturing) and what we’re being told is a large portion of our future base (technology) then what the hell is it exactly that we’re supposed to do here in America? Have a Wal-Mart based economy?

I sure hope not. In this post industrial economy education is more important than ever. Most service professions (in name, not actual persons filling those jobs) require some form of schooling. Teachers, lawyers, social workers, and even clergy require at least a 4-year degree and post-secondary education is becoming more expensive by the minute and presently many of our states are near the breaking point just trying to pay for No Child Left Behind. You see my concern? We can barely pay to get our kids through grade 12 when in all reality, unless they want to live the Wal-Mart life (a respectable choice, I guess, but not one we dream of when we imagine our children’s future I suspect), they’ll need at least 4 additional years of schooling. The average 4-year public school in the ’06-’07 school year charged approximately $5,800 per year in between tuition and fees (I suspect “and fees” here refers to textbooks, meals plans and housing) which adds up to $23,200 over the course of 4 years just in “Tuition and fees” and utterly ignoring the cost of living those 4 years (source). Most of this our new graduates will start out with this in brand new shiny debt upon graduation. If our new graduate opts to get a teaching job in Michigan he or she can expect to earn a salary of $35,557 the first year (source).

What’s my point? With the increasing cost and importance of education it’s time the government took it in hand. This is our country’s future and it’s crazy that the average graduate should start with debt just $200 shy of the 2006 poverty line for a family of 5 (source). The cost is too prohibitive for many families and there are simply too few options for other gainful employment in my opinion.

Goodbye Blue Monday!

Lots on my mind today. The approach of the NFL draft, Rudy Giuliani declaring that a vote for anyone other than him - and doubly so for a democrat - will result in death, and my friend Liz's awesome recipe for chocolate pie, all have me a little pre-occupied.

In news that won't send me off on a tirade, my friend Samantha and her son came and stayed with me for a few days. It was great to see her and her son Michael (my Godson) is a real joy. I was totally not prepared for an 18-month old to be staying over and was utterly overwhelmed for the duration of their visit but it was still very enjoyable.

The recipe Liz gave me for chocolate pie was amazing. I broke out my Vita-Mix mixer for this puppy. It used to come with a recipe for bread because this sucker can turn wheat into flour. I sent Liz an email about this and she said it put 80's infomerical theme music in her head. I'm pretty sure I'm offended by this.

I'm learning to play chess. I don't seem to have any natural ability for it, which is to say I suck at it quite a lot. In fact I can't think of an adverb strong enough to describe the extent of how much I suck at chess.

I saw this earlier today and just had to share it with all of you:












In other news, two great things happen on Saturday. The first is the NFL draft, in which my favorite team, the lousy Detroit Lions, hold the second overall pick. I'll be rooting for them not to screw it up. Also on Saturday is clean-up day. This marks the end of the period where people put large stuff they don't want and won't fit into their garbage bins on their front lawns. Not only is it unsightly but other people drive around and pick through the junk, which is just weird, not to mention tacky.

Well, I avoided freaking out about gun control and terrorism so I consider this post a success.

I'm off to snort some blow off a dead hooker's stomach.

FDA intends to evaluate "Tastes Funny" slogan on Oscar-Meyer Deli Sliced Clown Meat

Some amusing things to see for you lot today.

First, you've got to check out Acceptable TV. Featuing such shorts at "Homeless James Bond" and "Operation Kitten Calendar", the latter a reality show spoof and one of the funniest things I've seen in months, maybe years. It airs every week on VH1 or you can just watch the episodes on the site.

The next amusing thing I have for you today is a video from the AMV Commedians series. What this is, essentially, is a comedy routine synced up with anime. Most of these are either uninspired, poorly synced, or just plain dumb. This one, however, is perfectly synced and the characters actions line up, as much as possible, with the subject matter of the comedian.



Not a whole lot more amusing going. Well actually I did see this blurb written by a guy likening the events of 9/11 to Pearl Harbor. It apparently escaped this fella that it was a nation who attacked us during the raid on Pearl Harbor as opposed to a small religious sect and then we declared war on a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 whereas we actually did declare war on Japan. I had to laugh but it's just so frustrating to see people out there so fundamentally stupid they can't discern between a small group of religious zealots and a country, and then to equate it back to the war in Iraq - which we now know had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks and had no viable WMDs - I mean how can you just happen to overlook all these crazy facts? And if that guy read this he'd be railing at me for not supporting the troops because I don't believe we should be over there because he can't discern between support for the government's actions and support for those who have no choice but to carry out those actions. To put it another way, just because I don't agree with the reasons you painted your house doesn't mean I hate your paint brush.

Okay, political rant, check.

Lifeguard drowns, is revived, and is then promptly slain by irony

So yesterday was April Fool's Day, well 2 days ago now as it just rolled past midnight. Not a single joke did I see. It was very dissapointing. I'll need to stock up on fake dog crap for next year (we own 3 dogs so the genuine article just isn't as amusing anymore).

Had a chance to visit for a bit with Doug and Liz the other day. It's always good to see those two as they now reside in Colorado. It was kind of awkward at one point because it turns out they came home because a family member died and I wasn't made aware of this so I just showed up and I'm cracking jokes at what is, essentially, a delayed wake. I may not have mentioned this before but I have a real talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like this one time at a picnic a bee landed on my plate and the guy across from me says, "Bet you don't wanna eat him!" ya know, har har, and I being the joker had to reply "Oh yeah I do, they're very healthy, I eat bees all the time" and Mr. HarHar asks, "Well how do you know they're healthy?" to which I replied, "Well I don't have cancer do I?" and of course, sitting a few people down was a lady who had cancer. I didn't really know her, couldn't have known, but that's what I do all the time.

I was introduced to the word, "Minger" earlier this week. Wonderful word, means nasty or disgusting in reference to a person and is usually used by males to refer to ugly females, typically in brittish slang, "She's a real minger, that one, a real 8-pinter". I think I actually love the phrase "8-pinter" more than I do minger, but they're both quite nice. Another favorite piece of brittish slang is "gets on my tits" in place of "makes me mad", though I haven't worked up the requisite amount of courage to attempt using the phrase in public yet.

I'm going to bed now.

Choking mime unable to convey need for Heimlich Manuever, dies inside invisible box

In need of some cool new tunes? Check Saltillo out! Kind of a techno classical mix I found very enjoyable.

I just got back from Grandpa's birthday shindig. These are always fun because I get to hear about insane relatives that I've never met and are likely dead, but nonetheless lead colorful lives. Like my dad's cousin who apparently de-railed a train. That's right, I'm related to a guy who de-railed a train. How cool is that?

So, book review. Right-o.


Stephen King's "Cell". I read this a while back, decided I wanted to tell you about it. Book reviews are always problematic because if they weren't already interested enough to read the book, whatever you have to say isn't likely to change their mind. Not that this differes a tremendous amount from other forms of reviewing, only that books suffer from genre-mania (that is, a fanbase that is rabidly devoted to a single genre and rarely if ever partakes of anything outside) and there are a tremendous amount of them, all of which can be read for free from your local library. Anyway...

"Cell" deals with the idea of a computer-style virus, only this one isn't targetting your hard drive, it's going after your brain. The title extends from the opening scene where the virus is transmitted to the world via cell phone. Everyone who hears it, initially, goes bonkers and later on those affected develop a kind of hive-mind. Anyway, it's the end of the world and those few survivors must band together to try to defeat this new-age zombie horde and attempt to reclaim their lives.

The end of the world via virus isn't new territory for King, which is likely the greatest flaw in the book. As opposed to a bio-engineered flu that decimates the world's population in "The Stand" it's now a geek-engineered virus that treats your brain like the hard drive of your computer. Had King not written "The Stand" I believe this work would've gotten a far better reception as opposed to being seen as an updated, future-paranoid (and justifiably so, I think) version of what is regarded as his greatest work.

There is little in the way of character development, though one doesn't expect much given that you're only dealing with a few weeks in the lives of the characters. The characters themselves seem real enough, given the situation they're in, although dealing with characters who are always half a step and a quarter-second away from a panic high can be exhausting.

The plot moves at a good clip. I think King was going for a so-called "Tour de force" here, but he didn't realize that his topic mater was "The Stand" meets "Resident Evil" and that his current story lacked the marvelous and meticolously developed characters of the former and the pulse-pounding action of the latter.

Final verdict: It's worth checking out... literally, from your library. I wouldn't recommend buying this unless you're a hardcore King fan and even then I would wait (well I wouldn't, I own the bleeding hardcover) for the paperback, which should be released on June 5th of this year.

Interesting thought for the day: Most people keep things. Why? Because these things belong to them, not because they are worth keeping.

Dead Hookers: Sad or the organic equivalent of a rubber chicken?

My original title was going to have a deal about a guy with Dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as Mulitple-personality disorder) who had one of his alternate personalities kidnap him and he winds up with Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, it was a bit too long so you got a dead hooker joke instead. Lucky you!

So this story is amazing. Up until now I've tried to avoid getting "newsy" with this blog. Unfortunately my life lacks the interesting situations that are required to keep it regularly updated with semi-entertaining material. Anyway, you can find the original story here. Have you read it yet? I didn't think you would. Anyway, it's about this girl who apparently picked Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the television series) as a topic for her DOCTORAL thesis and now regrets it. Now I'm usually the one to point out that Joss Whedon's show frequently used its demons, vampires and other assorted monsters as metaphors in addition to using the cover of a show about a girl who kills vampires for a living as a way to talk about real life issues. Vampires as a metaphor for sex has been done before, but when Buffy loses her virginity to one and he loses his soul as a consequence and goes on a killing spree... well that's metaphor on steroids and one of the show's defining moments. So while the show does work on a deeper level and I fully acknowledge this, you would have to be bug-shagging crazy to pick this as a topic for... well any paper you might be doing that you would like some sort of academic profesional to take seriously. Sure it explored the unexplored, putting a female in a dominant role as a fighter and leader among a group that primarily consisted of men, exploring a main character's turn to a lesbian relationship on prime-time television, it was - at times - some seriously heavy stuff. On the other hand you also need to remember that there was a vampire on there who, for 3 seasons, had a chip implanted in his brain by a secret government organization that wouldn't let him bite anyone. At the conclusion of the third year of this he gets his soul back and, with the aid of some bling that would make Mr. T envious (a large jewel encrusted pendant), he shuts a gateway directly to hell thus saving the world. A good story? Hell yes. A good foundation for a doctoral thesis? Probably not.

I was going to do a book review in addition to the above rant but, seeing as though I wrote far more than I planned to, I'll save it for another day.

To make this post complete, one of my favorite videos of all time:



Lightning Bolt!

Talking Monkey Reveals Preference for Fez Hats over Pants

In the spirit of annoyance and irony in which I constantly dwell, I'd just to say F!%^ YOU!! to edited albums.

Currently reading Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Complete Sherlock Holmes". If any of you out there haven't read this fantastic collection of stories yet, consider yourself chastised and get your behinds to a bookstore.

I've come into possesion of a 1910 World's Fair shot-glass. The only striking feature about it is that it seems to be pieced together, the upper portion made of red glass and the base of clear. It's neat but, like most neat things, has no practical use.

I only have one good story about my Uncle Crazy, thus the stalling above (this whole blog is one big reminder of how bloody boring my life is).

It starts out on a typical day and I'm gonna guess here that my Uncle is about 10 which puts my Dad at about 8. Because it's your typical day my Uncle is throwing rocks at my Dad (as the older brother I typically used pinecones, but you set about picking on your sibblings with the projectiles you have, not those you desire). Having had a good deal of experience at being hit by rocks, my Dad seeks an immediate close by standing in front of the large picture window in front of the house. Displaying the lack of judgement that would later play a major role in his nickname, my Uncle threw another rock, breaking the picture window. My dad says he heard, as he was sprinting off the porch, my Uncle say to my Grandfather, "It's his fault! He moved!"

Social Lepers Ooze Confidence

To begin, I'd like to thank Guiness for making this St. Patrick's day a memorable one and for being a wonderful compliment to pizza.

Nothing truly amusing has happend of late (except my cat getting a tissue stuck to her face, but that's more of a visual joke and I didn't have a camera handy) so it's old story time.

Arrogance makes people funny. Someone who is totally willing to laugh at himself when he trips isn't half as funny as the guy who pops up and looks around to see who saw him fall. Luckilly, I have two arrogant uncles who don't need bad luck, they make their own, and I don't think either one has ever honestly laughed at himself. To protect their identities (and myself from awkward moments at upcoming family reunions) I'll use fake names in the upcoming stories.

My Uncle Lucky has a colorful past. At the tender age of 7 (or thereabouts) he nearly hung himself going down a slide when he decided to wrap a rope around his neck beforehand. It's a good thing for him his little sister was there to rescue him.

On to college he either got drunk or had a sinus infection (this story varies from person to person) and was on the top bunk. Regardless of the cause, the effect was him falling out of the top bunk and the floor removing his two front teeth. Not finished yet, he then decided to go to a dentist that everyone knew was a quack. Never one to listen to what his family told him, Lucky went to the quack dentist and had two new teeth literally pounded into his head with a mallet. As if this experience and the bruises that ran from nose to cheeckbone under both eyes weren't enough, they fell out the next week and were swallowed along with his mashed potatoes.

And now to adult-hood. Lucky decided one day that the stump in the backyard really needed to be chopped out. A man of action, he grabbed the axe and went to work, ignoring that a clothes-line was in the way. The axe caught the clothes-line, rebounded and caught Lucky right between the eyes. I haven't seen the medical report on this one but we believe, given his more recent behavior, that the axe actually gave him a frontal lobotomy.

Tune in later this week where I'll profile my Uncle Crazy. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel.

Emo-Boy Discoveries: Souls Can't Bleed

I've discovered that, by all appearances, my curtainless neighbors read my blog because there are now blankets stuffed in 2 of their 3 windows facing my house. Good job guys.

Turns out that not reading up on men's college basketball, disregarding rankings and picking teams to win based on their names is a bad way to go about filling in your brackets, which is to say that I'm getting the pants beat off me. Still, it's fun.

Odd story today. I went to the chiropractor because I've been having some issues with my right shoulder (it turns out I have tendonitis but that's not the story). I've been going to this guy for about 9 years and I'm friends with his son so we know one another pretty well. Anyway, while he's contorting my spine in new and creative ways he starts telling me about this dream he had the other night. Apparently it starts out and he's driving George W. Bush's limo to Alto, he says this felt perfectly natural at the time. At one point George leans forward and says to him, "You could have at least worn a suit." Looking down my chiropractor realizes that he's just wearing regular clothes, so he decides he'll go score a suit. So where does he go? To my house to borrow one from me.

So he shows up at my place only I'm not home, but luckilly my mom is there and she starts helping him find my suit. She brings down the white shirt and hands it to him, only the shirt is apparently crazy wrinkly so he pulls out an ironing board and irons it while my mom tracks down the rest of the suit. She brings it out to him and he apparently changes there in my house only to find that the suit is too big. Shunning convention the brave chiropractor gets back in the limo wearing my suit despite that. Apparently the president was pleased with the suit.

After recounting the dream he asked, "Do you own a suit?"


"No, I don't."

Necklace of Human Ears: Disgusting or Organic Bling?

70 degrees out in March in Michigan. Freaky.

Taking a break from reading "We The Living" to visit an old favorite, "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal". For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of reading it... well you should read it because there's no adequate way to describe it without ruining some of the story.

On a completely unrelated note, my neighbor to the west doesn't believe in window treatments, or curtains... she has some sheets and blankets stuffed into the windows that face the road, but the windows that face my house are utterly bare. The practical upshot is, if I look out my windows facing the west, and they see me, I look like a pervert trying to peep on them, whether I was attempting to or not. Sure I'm a bit of a voyeur (I'm a guy ffs) but I feel that with this situation I can be well-behaved and still be thought guilty. That irks me.

So I was gonna tell a random story, but then I realized all the ones I can think of off the top of my head involve drunk people or bodily functions, and for whatever reason that seems awfully low-brow all of a sudden. Am I becoming more mature or a prude? I'm not sure.

Baking owns.

Introverted Hypochondriac Fears Inner-Child Seriously ill

Today's post is brought to you by the only letter that is a vitamin and a bug, B.

I mentioned a few days back that I watched "Little Miss Sunshine". I'd just like to say how completely unexpected this movie was. I thought I was going to get an ensemble road trip comedy and that's it. This movie is an ensemble, features a road trip, and is certainly funny, but it's so much more than just that because the movie isn't really about the road trip and it certainly isn't TRYING to be funny. All it did was, simply, try to be as real as it possibly could be all the time. There were a few times when it deviated from this path. I could list what I think are the times and you could argue with me about them, so I think I'll just say that it did happen and you can agree with me in general.

So I got invited to my first ever NCAA tourney bracket deal today. I find this neat. I haven't seen a college basketball game in over 7 years and am utterly uninterested even now that I've filled out my brackets. I've picked Winthrop to go all the way. After doing so I did search the internet and found out that this is an actual school. Who knew?

GO EAGLES!

Canine Narcissist Claims "Puppy Love" for Himself

Do you ever get an idea that's funny, but you're not sure where it came from and then you start to worry you've sub-consciously plagarized someone else? Well that's how I feel about this title.

To start off today's wonderful trip through my brain, I think you should watch the video I was forced to view earlier today. Be advised, if you have a soul that is currently un-tainted, you may want to skip it.



Hopefully that works. Never done this whole embedded video thing before.

Anyway, now that you've seen that bit of depravity, I think it's time I talked about it. Part of me wanted to write "discuss" in the previous sentence but honesty got the better of me. First off, what is the artist-I believe this is Fergie in the video, wearing a wig-trying to convey? Sure she's loves shoes, but are they real shoes or metaphorical shoes? Are the $300 shoes actually shoes that cost $300 or does the 300 somehow pertain to upcoming movie "300" which is based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller which is in turn based on the actual Battle of Thermopylae where 300 Spartan Hoplites (in addition to around 1,000 other soldiers) strove to stall the advancing Persian army (all of them wearing SHOES) so their main force could be made ready.

Now if only I could connect that with Kevin Bacon.

Silly Putty is Thicker Than Marshmallow Fluff

No title explanation today.

I watched "Little Miss Sunshine" earlier today. More on that at a later date when I've had more time to process. Wonderful movie.

As you know (if you've read my previous blog entries, judging by the number of comments I've gotten so far that would be all none of you) I'm reading "We The Living" by Ayn Rand. If you'll permit me (all of you 0 readers) I'll forego my amusing story for this entry and will, instead, discuss a section of the book that just grabbed ahold of me and shook me like I was a baby in the care of an insane Brittish nanny.

In this section, Kira- our main character and a Bourgeois (which in this Marxist sense means capitalist in an era of communism)-and her unlikely friend Andrei-a communist, soldier and member of the secret police-are discussing what the common bond is in their relationship given that they're polar opposite in political/social view. Believing she has identified the problem, Kira explains that their roots are the same, their base worldview as it pertains to the divine or lack thereof in this case. To further explain Kira asks: "Do you believe in God, Andrei?"
Andrei responds: "No."
"Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they’d never understand what I meant. It’s a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do-then, I know they don’t believe in life."
"Why?"
"Because, you see, God-whatever anyone chooses to call God-is one’s highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It’s a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own. To imagine a heaven and then not to dream of it, but to demand it."

Now to start, it's easy to see that her view of God is fundamentally flawed. Those who believe in God ascribe to Him abilities that no mortal indivdual could ever possess. One may aspire to know all, be everywhere at once, and other things that man belives God is capable of and one would of course never achieve any of them. Rather, it's the latter portion of Kira's second diatribe that really got me.

I believe that people get stuck without ever knowing it. They get it in their minds to pursue a certain path in life and never deviate because it never occurs to them to do so. We simply can't imagine what we've never experienced, even if we could it never crosses our minds that we ought to. Even some common fantasies, such as teenagers imagining what sex will be like, are so far off we wonder, afterward, why the hell we bothered with them in the first place.

Imagine greatness for yourself, then-if you can-pursue it. Don't torture yourself with dreams that you're un-willing or un-able to accomplish or even chase after. To put it simply: Go Big or Go Home.

Quantum Shaving Foam

Today's post title comes from Quantum Foam and Shaving. Since I'm not a physicist and am currently sporting a (manly) beard I'm not qualified to discuss either.

In what is probably an overzealous display toward something I will soon grow bored with, I've now posted two days in a row.

First I'd like you to turn your attention toward this page's links, over there on the upper right, yeah there, right below the machine-gun-toting-gopher. That top one is my Deviant Art page. I've got a collection of my photography over there. It's pretty much restricted to landscapes, waterscapes and graves so... you should check it out.

And it's fun story time again! This one I like to call, "Double-O Negative" - a title borrowed from The Goonies.

As most of you know, my mom had surgery this past spring to remove a tumor from her throat/mouth area. This story takes place during the actual surgery at the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor. A bit of back-story will serve us well here. First off, my dad and I had combined for about 5 hours of sleep between the two of us and I think 4 1/2 of them belonged to me. My sister wouldn't be there and the surgery itself was expected to take somewhere between 6 and 8 hours. To put it simply, both of us were bored, tired and totally stressed out.

The hospital itelf has several waiting areas so it's nice to be able to wander around from place to place while you wait. After about 3 hours I'd gotten the idea that I needed to take some pictures on my camera phone, maybe I was thinking of comemorating the event... maybe I just wanted to show someone the sign I'd a given stared at vaccantly for half an hour, either way I took the picture, entirely disregarding the news report I'd seen a few days prior about how terrorists are using camera phones to case possible bombing targets. Anyway, not 3 minutes later, Double-O Negative shows up. Dude is dressed in a black 3-piece suit, sunglasses and an earbud. I kid you not, if I saw this guy pull up in a black SUV in front of the hospital I'd start looking around for the president.

On top of that, the guy doesn't even try to be sneaky. I'm not sure if that was due to his arrogance or his awareness that it was pointless to attempt incognito behavior since his outfit made everyone expect Sean Connery to come around the corner and yell, "You're the man now dawg!" at him. Anyway, he positions himself about 20 feet ahead of us and against the left-hand wall. I noticed him immediately (how could I possibly miss Baby Hughey in his secret service outfit?) and pointed him out to my dad, who is immediately pissed off. The guy then makes his presence even more obvious by strolling back and forth from the wall to the front enterance and chatting with the valet guys, presumably hoping I would take another picture with my cell phone to send back to some terrorist sleeper-cell.

During this time, as Double-O Negative strolls back and forth, a patient in a wheel chair begins suffering from Nostophobia (fear of returning home) or possibly Stenophobia (fear of narrow things or places, it was one of those turnstile doors) or maybe some other issues (thank you phobialist.com) but the practical upshot was, she refused to move through a door and was openly weeping at the prospect of doing so. The only thing that could've made our situation more absurd was if the Marx Brothers had come strolling down the hallway re-anacting their old films (I'd horse-whip ya boy but I don't have a horse!).

Finally, fate turned in our favor when our phobic friend decided to go through the door, trapping Double-O Negative out in the vestibule. Seizing the opportunity, my dad and I made a break for it, losing our hanger-on and, I'd like to think, costing him his job or at least the pay bonus he would've received for catching a possible terrorist suspect.