It's been a long time since I've talked to about the Detroit Lions, and with good reason since they finished out the second-half of the regular season with a 1-7 record. Rumor has it that offensive coordinator Mike Martz will be fired and replaced by wide receiver coach Kippy Brown. Is this a joke? Detroit's wide receivers were actually open about 3 times in the last 8 games and when they were open and Jon Kitna managed to get the ball to them there was only a 50% chance they'd actually catch it. That's like exchanging your mild head cold for syphilis (funny side note: the level of insanity requisite to make such a decision could actually be caused by syphilis).
Don't get me wrong here, I think it's may be time for Martz to move on, but I was thinking a couple weeks back that Detroit's receiver coach (I didn't know his name at the time) was likely going to get fired at season's end. On the topic of folks who need to move on, how about Boss Bailey? This guy only managed 47 tackles all season and only 188 in his 5 seasons combined(only 54 more tackles than Ernie Sims had this season alone). It's also time for Jon Kitna to get his boogie shoes on. His performance in the last half of the season was nothing short of uninspired and he tied for league lead with 20 interceptions while also managing to lose 6 of his 17 fumbles. Simply put, do you think you can win with a quarterback who has turned the ball over 57 times in 32 games? A stat not recorded is the amount of dogs who trotted onto the field and urinated on Kitna while he stood stock still in the pocket, after reviewing the game tapes I counted 16 times, an impressive number for the pooches considering opposing defenses managed to get to him 51 times and thus end their quest for bladder relief on a silver and blue fire hydrant.
Some additional news that purely the product of my imagination: Shaun McDonald plans on releasing a dance video based on his evasive maneuvers after catching the ball. Good idea Shaun, you don't ever manage to shake a defender but you do look pretty fabulous up until you get tackled. The Detroit secondary is also rumored to be collaborating on a book entitled "How to get Caught while Cheating on your Significant Other". Well fellas, if your skill at getting caught out of position on the field translates well to your private lives this thing should be fairly accurate, though I don't expect to see it on any of the best seller lists.
Bitter Lions rant. Check.
I had a date on Saturday. It was amazing. I knew we had something special there but I had no idea. None. And I'm at a loss for words to say anything else about it.
On that note, it's time for me to wrap this up. I've got people to call, parties to attend... maybe... I'm tired and not feeling terribly inclined to go out, haha. Have a great time out there tonight gang and for the love of all that is holy, BE SAFE. I'll get back to you after the new year.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Posts, tired of having dumb people likened unto them, looking into class-action slander suit
So I found this today, and I can't stop laughing about it or feeling badly for doing so.
26
Now usually my blog titles have nothing to do with their content. That's going to change a bit today because I have been plagued by stupid people these last few days. At work, shopping, or on the road, I can't seem to escape morons. While these events are annoying at the time, they do, luckily, make for some good stories later (although I'm still trying hard to see the funny in the old lady who had to take an extra 5 minutes in the checkout lane because instead of grabbing two 50-cent roles of tape, she'd grabbed a 50-cent and a 76-cent roll, and needed to whine about it).
Story 1 happened yesterday as I was coming back from shopping (and putting up with that weird old lady in front of me in line). I hopped in the left-hand turn lane to turn into my apartment complex, only to realize that the entry-lane is plugged by someone trying to turn left, on main street... during rush hour... and I can't turn in until this chick (or possibly a drag queen given the big golden hoops I saw) is able to make her way out. Improving this situation is that there's another guy right behind me looking to turn in as well and, on top of a that, a big truck in the oncoming lane looking to make a right into the complex who just happens to be blocking her view. It all worked itself out and she managed to avoid causing an accident (narrowly). Just remember kids, when there's 2 lanes going out of a parking lot and it doesn't say 'Exit Only' that means you have to use the right-hand lane regardless of which way you're turning.
Story 2 is definitely the funnier of the stories have I for you today. We have this new guy at work... and new guy is dumb. Real dumb. George W. Bush dumb (a quick aside into one of my favorite George W. quotes: "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001). Anyway, one of the guys on our crew is a pretty decent actor and he likes to have on with people sometimes. Well the new dumb guy comes into the backroom and our actor friend asks him if he's ever heard of blue balls, not just any blue balls, the infection kind. The new guy, of course, hasn't. No one has of course, but the new guy is too intrigued by the prospect of knowing something more about his balls to question anything he's been told. Our actor friend goes on, explaining to him the symptoms (it swells up and looks gray!) and then, much to my chagrined amusements, the treatment: "He (the doctor) makes you take it out and sit it on the exam table, then, to distract you, he asks you to look over at the clock and tell him what time it is, and when you look, BAM! he hits it with a rubber mallet and all the pus comes out of the end!". Yes, he said that, and yes, the guy bought it. Was, in fact, terrified of catching it himself. The last I saw the guy, he was telling all his male co-workers on the unloading team about the "Blue Balls Infection" that guys can get. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself.
Maybe he and parking lot girl can hook up and make lots of illegitimate children.
26
Find Ultrasound schools near you
Now usually my blog titles have nothing to do with their content. That's going to change a bit today because I have been plagued by stupid people these last few days. At work, shopping, or on the road, I can't seem to escape morons. While these events are annoying at the time, they do, luckily, make for some good stories later (although I'm still trying hard to see the funny in the old lady who had to take an extra 5 minutes in the checkout lane because instead of grabbing two 50-cent roles of tape, she'd grabbed a 50-cent and a 76-cent roll, and needed to whine about it).
Story 1 happened yesterday as I was coming back from shopping (and putting up with that weird old lady in front of me in line). I hopped in the left-hand turn lane to turn into my apartment complex, only to realize that the entry-lane is plugged by someone trying to turn left, on main street... during rush hour... and I can't turn in until this chick (or possibly a drag queen given the big golden hoops I saw) is able to make her way out. Improving this situation is that there's another guy right behind me looking to turn in as well and, on top of a that, a big truck in the oncoming lane looking to make a right into the complex who just happens to be blocking her view. It all worked itself out and she managed to avoid causing an accident (narrowly). Just remember kids, when there's 2 lanes going out of a parking lot and it doesn't say 'Exit Only' that means you have to use the right-hand lane regardless of which way you're turning.
Story 2 is definitely the funnier of the stories have I for you today. We have this new guy at work... and new guy is dumb. Real dumb. George W. Bush dumb (a quick aside into one of my favorite George W. quotes: "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001). Anyway, one of the guys on our crew is a pretty decent actor and he likes to have on with people sometimes. Well the new dumb guy comes into the backroom and our actor friend asks him if he's ever heard of blue balls, not just any blue balls, the infection kind. The new guy, of course, hasn't. No one has of course, but the new guy is too intrigued by the prospect of knowing something more about his balls to question anything he's been told. Our actor friend goes on, explaining to him the symptoms (it swells up and looks gray!) and then, much to my chagrined amusements, the treatment: "He (the doctor) makes you take it out and sit it on the exam table, then, to distract you, he asks you to look over at the clock and tell him what time it is, and when you look, BAM! he hits it with a rubber mallet and all the pus comes out of the end!". Yes, he said that, and yes, the guy bought it. Was, in fact, terrified of catching it himself. The last I saw the guy, he was telling all his male co-workers on the unloading team about the "Blue Balls Infection" that guys can get. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself.
Maybe he and parking lot girl can hook up and make lots of illegitimate children.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Therapists miffed after being refered to as 'emotional jockstraps'
Seriously folks, the titles, they just come to me.
So I'm working at Target still. No big surprise there. My love life is still unrequited, my social life still dull, and yes, I still need to shave.
Oh, and the Lions still suck.
Now that we have all those cumbersome, Phil's life is still the same even though he's moved, details out of the way, let's talk about something amusing. Like "Scrubs".
Scrubs is, I think, the most imaginatively funny show I've ever seen. Now I've never seen an entire episode of The Office, but I just can't picture them having anything better than a young doctor chasing a bunch of elderly gay men off his porch while screaming, "Get off my porch you old queens!". I just don't see it happening.
Also, I keep getting invited to events that I can't attend. I can arrive at no other conclusion than my friends must be sadists and I, a lonely masochist, am drawn to them like a moth who enjoys having his wings singed is drawn to a bonfire. I'd like to take a moment here and acknowledge Dwight, Dan, and Ezra for all inviting me to things within the last 10 days that I couldn't, won't be able to, or likely can't attend. You guys are a not so subtle reminder that it's possible to have good friends and still be a loser. Thanks guys.
Anyway, my sister just left, so it's time for me to play video games while I sit at home. Alone. So alone.
So I'm working at Target still. No big surprise there. My love life is still unrequited, my social life still dull, and yes, I still need to shave.
Oh, and the Lions still suck.
Now that we have all those cumbersome, Phil's life is still the same even though he's moved, details out of the way, let's talk about something amusing. Like "Scrubs".
Scrubs is, I think, the most imaginatively funny show I've ever seen. Now I've never seen an entire episode of The Office, but I just can't picture them having anything better than a young doctor chasing a bunch of elderly gay men off his porch while screaming, "Get off my porch you old queens!". I just don't see it happening.
Also, I keep getting invited to events that I can't attend. I can arrive at no other conclusion than my friends must be sadists and I, a lonely masochist, am drawn to them like a moth who enjoys having his wings singed is drawn to a bonfire. I'd like to take a moment here and acknowledge Dwight, Dan, and Ezra for all inviting me to things within the last 10 days that I couldn't, won't be able to, or likely can't attend. You guys are a not so subtle reminder that it's possible to have good friends and still be a loser. Thanks guys.
Anyway, my sister just left, so it's time for me to play video games while I sit at home. Alone. So alone.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Getting Poked in the Eye is its own Reward
So much to talk about, but I'm hungry. It's been way too long, I know, likely the handful of people who read this have given up on me ever posting again. Well it's coming, seriously. To placate you who are still out there, I have this amazing video to share. If you grew up with or ever owned a Nintendo, this should tickle your inner dork.
Monday, September 10, 2007
I wear many hats, and some of them are bonnets
Free golf-clap to the first person who can tell me what television show the above titular quote comes from.
So Target called and I had my orientation today. All in all a boring experience, but I feel good about the place and at this point that's all that really matters. I start Wednesday morning at 4am so that should be fun in a tired sort of way.
My regular reader(s) may notice that the links have changed in my "Stuff That's Hip" category. I'd like to tell you why. I removed what was my favorite internet (for lack of a better word) cartoon, Neurotically Yours. My ass has been seriously chapped by the content of "Unamusement Park" where the main character, a squirrel named Foamy, goes off on a rant about amusement park rides being shut down due to accidents that were not the fault of the park but irresponsible riders. I can understand the frustration at this given America's current culture of individuals refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, and stupidity. My problem with the cartoon is the names he uses when referring to fictitious accident victims, he names them all with stereotypical African-American names. Jonathan Mathers claims, via his Foamy persona, that he does most of his stuff improv so it's impossible to say whether he did this intentionally or not - not that it really matters. I'm disgusted, still, having seen this cartoon months ago it still bugs the crap out of me. The only reason I haven't removed the link before now is that I forgot it was there. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and worldview, but I'll be damned before I watch anything else that this Don Imus of internet cartoons creates.
There, I don't feel any better, but at least I got that off my chest.
Amusing camp memory: Apparently our younger generation has turned the "Your Momma" joke on its ear by including furniture in the list of things it can make fun of. One of my kids said to another, during the last session, "Your couch is so nasty that you fell asleep on it with hopes and dreams and woke up with hepatitis and diabetes." I was laughing too hard to tell him that diabetes isn't contagious. An amusing new bit of slang was either introduced or invented during that last session as well. Instead of, "Don't talk crap" it was, "Don't talk no shabangbang". It turns out, yelling this in a silly voice when your kids are starting to squabble is a great way to take their attention off their conflicts and put it on you. While it may not be the mad genius of my camp director, whose method of waking kids up involved a sock puppet that only spoke Spanish, it was still pure gold for conflict resolution.
Take care of yourselves and I'll catch you all later.
So Target called and I had my orientation today. All in all a boring experience, but I feel good about the place and at this point that's all that really matters. I start Wednesday morning at 4am so that should be fun in a tired sort of way.
My regular reader(s) may notice that the links have changed in my "Stuff That's Hip" category. I'd like to tell you why. I removed what was my favorite internet (for lack of a better word) cartoon, Neurotically Yours. My ass has been seriously chapped by the content of "Unamusement Park" where the main character, a squirrel named Foamy, goes off on a rant about amusement park rides being shut down due to accidents that were not the fault of the park but irresponsible riders. I can understand the frustration at this given America's current culture of individuals refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, and stupidity. My problem with the cartoon is the names he uses when referring to fictitious accident victims, he names them all with stereotypical African-American names. Jonathan Mathers claims, via his Foamy persona, that he does most of his stuff improv so it's impossible to say whether he did this intentionally or not - not that it really matters. I'm disgusted, still, having seen this cartoon months ago it still bugs the crap out of me. The only reason I haven't removed the link before now is that I forgot it was there. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and worldview, but I'll be damned before I watch anything else that this Don Imus of internet cartoons creates.
There, I don't feel any better, but at least I got that off my chest.
Amusing camp memory: Apparently our younger generation has turned the "Your Momma" joke on its ear by including furniture in the list of things it can make fun of. One of my kids said to another, during the last session, "Your couch is so nasty that you fell asleep on it with hopes and dreams and woke up with hepatitis and diabetes." I was laughing too hard to tell him that diabetes isn't contagious. An amusing new bit of slang was either introduced or invented during that last session as well. Instead of, "Don't talk crap" it was, "Don't talk no shabangbang". It turns out, yelling this in a silly voice when your kids are starting to squabble is a great way to take their attention off their conflicts and put it on you. While it may not be the mad genius of my camp director, whose method of waking kids up involved a sock puppet that only spoke Spanish, it was still pure gold for conflict resolution.
Take care of yourselves and I'll catch you all later.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Tubs of Rancid Yak Butter
So I was 'saved' from having to work through the temp agency by... Target. By 'saved' I mean instead of an eight-hundred pound gorilla with a chronic case of diarrhea sitting on me, I now get to hang out with a close-talker who has halitosis. Sure one is better than the other but neither is exactly ideal. I am now reminded of Marie's job at UPS, who swore those initials actually stood for Ugly People of Satan - and I'm suddenly thankful just for having a job, haha.
Had my birthday shindig on Friday (another perk of getting hired by Target, I just wish they'd call me about orientation) and it was pretty amazing. Especially when I managed to get lost for 20 minutes on the University of Western campus. Thanks for the not so awesome directions, Kenzie, but mostly, thanks for being the awesome person you are, even if your navigational skills are even worse than my own.
The Lions open up the regular season this afternoon at 4:15pm EST. I can't help but admit that I am absolutely giddy about this game. First off, it's against the Raiders, the only team in the NFL whose record was worse than the Lions, so on paper we have a pretty fair chance at coming out of this with a win. I'm also very excited to see the Lions starting offensive and defensive units as a whole, in particular the offensive line (which is completely healthy coming into the season, I honestly can't remember the last time this happened) and rookie Free Safety Gerald Alexander, who replaces the injured Daniel Bullocks (torn ACL, out for the season) and is starting over 6 year veteran Idrees Bashir. Whenever this happens it always begs the question, is the rookie really good or the veteran really bad? My hope is that the rookie is really good, but you don't get to see the DBs all that much in preseason and Alexander mainly worked with, and against, the 2nd and 3rd units.
I believe the Lions will win this, the Raiders have too little offense and the Lions have too much, though one never knows with Detroit. Keep an eye on Cory Redding and Shaun Rogers, working together in the NT/UT positions for the first time, these two could become the premier defensive tackle duo in the NFL. Tatum Bell and Shaun McDonald are another pair to watch. Both of these guys were let go/traded due to under-performing with their previous teams, both looked great in the preseason and both are coming into today's game with a lot to prove. On the Raiders side, keep an eye on Josh McCown and Mike Williams, the tandem traded on draft day from Detroit to Oakland and both with something to prove against their former team. Warren Sapp is another Raider to watch. He lost fifty pounds this off-season and led all defensive tackles last year with 10 sack and yet didn't go the Pro-Bowl. If anyone in this game is going to come into it with a chip on his shoulder, it's gonna be him.
That's all for now folks. I hope you're all doing well and keeping it rockin' for the kids. Tune in next week when I'll discuss my nose-hair, or something else you're not all that interested in reading about.
Had my birthday shindig on Friday (another perk of getting hired by Target, I just wish they'd call me about orientation) and it was pretty amazing. Especially when I managed to get lost for 20 minutes on the University of Western campus. Thanks for the not so awesome directions, Kenzie, but mostly, thanks for being the awesome person you are, even if your navigational skills are even worse than my own.
The Lions open up the regular season this afternoon at 4:15pm EST. I can't help but admit that I am absolutely giddy about this game. First off, it's against the Raiders, the only team in the NFL whose record was worse than the Lions, so on paper we have a pretty fair chance at coming out of this with a win. I'm also very excited to see the Lions starting offensive and defensive units as a whole, in particular the offensive line (which is completely healthy coming into the season, I honestly can't remember the last time this happened) and rookie Free Safety Gerald Alexander, who replaces the injured Daniel Bullocks (torn ACL, out for the season) and is starting over 6 year veteran Idrees Bashir. Whenever this happens it always begs the question, is the rookie really good or the veteran really bad? My hope is that the rookie is really good, but you don't get to see the DBs all that much in preseason and Alexander mainly worked with, and against, the 2nd and 3rd units.
I believe the Lions will win this, the Raiders have too little offense and the Lions have too much, though one never knows with Detroit. Keep an eye on Cory Redding and Shaun Rogers, working together in the NT/UT positions for the first time, these two could become the premier defensive tackle duo in the NFL. Tatum Bell and Shaun McDonald are another pair to watch. Both of these guys were let go/traded due to under-performing with their previous teams, both looked great in the preseason and both are coming into today's game with a lot to prove. On the Raiders side, keep an eye on Josh McCown and Mike Williams, the tandem traded on draft day from Detroit to Oakland and both with something to prove against their former team. Warren Sapp is another Raider to watch. He lost fifty pounds this off-season and led all defensive tackles last year with 10 sack and yet didn't go the Pro-Bowl. If anyone in this game is going to come into it with a chip on his shoulder, it's gonna be him.
That's all for now folks. I hope you're all doing well and keeping it rockin' for the kids. Tune in next week when I'll discuss my nose-hair, or something else you're not all that interested in reading about.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Freshly Squeezed Apocalypse
Well, camp is over. I miss it a lot more than I thought I would, not just the folks I worked with but the kids and even the place itself. I had an incredible last session. My kids were just amazing and, so far as I could tell, I wasn't too bad myself.
There were two really amazing moments for me during session 6 and as is my custom, I'll describe the funny one first. There's a special double block of the nature program that we, the counselors, can sign the kids up for. The reason for this is the pond we go explore is about a 20-minute hike from the nature building and the usual 50 minute block just doesn't work out. Anyway, we hadn't gotten any substantial rain in like 2 months so the pond was really more a giant mud puddle. Young boys being themselves, well, they couldn't bear to keep themselves out of the mud which wasn't a big deal as they had waders on, well it wasn't a big deal until three of them got stuck. At first I tried to pull one of the kids out with some rope I had in my bag and all I managed to do was tip the poor guy over flat on his back in the mud and give him some rope burn which I hope went away before he got home, haha. Eventually, all three of them had to climb out of their waders and pull the waders out of the mud before they sunk back in the mud too much. Many pictures were taken of this but I refuse to post them on a public forum, even one read so little as this.
The other great, and certainly one of the most touching for me personally, moment came during lunch one day. Most of my kids were longtime campers and that particular day they were discussing some of the cool things they'd done in the past and the various counselors they had over the previous 2 summers. After a fairly long reminiscence about how cool some of his counselors had been, he looks me right in the eye and says, "But you're my favorite." and goes back to his meal. Any of you out there who have ever worked with kids before can, I believe, imagine what this meant to me at the time and what it still means to me now.
So I start my new job on Tuesday, working at a warehouse for Thermo Fisher Scientific. They manufacture plastic tubs filled with a water/formaldehyde mixture for doctors to put biopsy samples in. The unfortunate part of this is, despite applying for the job over the Michigan Talent Bank, I'm working through a temp agency. I hate temp agencies. I feel I'm being far too gracious when I call them the carrion eaters of the employment industry, providing cheap, throw-away employees for companies more interested in finding a quick fix rather than a long term solution. My job is called a 'temp-to-hire' position, meaning if I prove myself there's a possibility of actually being hired directly by the company. That's the upside, but let's be real here, why would they want to hire anyone on a permanent basis? They apparently pay their permanent employees $2-$3 more per hour in addition to benefits like insurance and a 401(k), which is cool, but I just don't see the reason they'd want to spend the additional money on a permanent guy when, due to Michigan's sky-high unemployment rate, they have access to more disposable employees than they could ever want via the temp agency. Did I mention that I hate temp agencies?
So my birthday is coming up, I'll be 26 which is way too close to 30 for my personal comfort. I planned on having a shindig with my friends on the 7th of September but it seems that I'll likely have to change that date of that or possibly even cancel it entirely depending on my work schedule. I like working third shift but it's tough on your social life (although not quite the unmitigated hell that second shift is).
Anyway, when I have more news or something funny to say I'll make another post. Catch you hookers later.
There were two really amazing moments for me during session 6 and as is my custom, I'll describe the funny one first. There's a special double block of the nature program that we, the counselors, can sign the kids up for. The reason for this is the pond we go explore is about a 20-minute hike from the nature building and the usual 50 minute block just doesn't work out. Anyway, we hadn't gotten any substantial rain in like 2 months so the pond was really more a giant mud puddle. Young boys being themselves, well, they couldn't bear to keep themselves out of the mud which wasn't a big deal as they had waders on, well it wasn't a big deal until three of them got stuck. At first I tried to pull one of the kids out with some rope I had in my bag and all I managed to do was tip the poor guy over flat on his back in the mud and give him some rope burn which I hope went away before he got home, haha. Eventually, all three of them had to climb out of their waders and pull the waders out of the mud before they sunk back in the mud too much. Many pictures were taken of this but I refuse to post them on a public forum, even one read so little as this.
The other great, and certainly one of the most touching for me personally, moment came during lunch one day. Most of my kids were longtime campers and that particular day they were discussing some of the cool things they'd done in the past and the various counselors they had over the previous 2 summers. After a fairly long reminiscence about how cool some of his counselors had been, he looks me right in the eye and says, "But you're my favorite." and goes back to his meal. Any of you out there who have ever worked with kids before can, I believe, imagine what this meant to me at the time and what it still means to me now.
So I start my new job on Tuesday, working at a warehouse for Thermo Fisher Scientific. They manufacture plastic tubs filled with a water/formaldehyde mixture for doctors to put biopsy samples in. The unfortunate part of this is, despite applying for the job over the Michigan Talent Bank, I'm working through a temp agency. I hate temp agencies. I feel I'm being far too gracious when I call them the carrion eaters of the employment industry, providing cheap, throw-away employees for companies more interested in finding a quick fix rather than a long term solution. My job is called a 'temp-to-hire' position, meaning if I prove myself there's a possibility of actually being hired directly by the company. That's the upside, but let's be real here, why would they want to hire anyone on a permanent basis? They apparently pay their permanent employees $2-$3 more per hour in addition to benefits like insurance and a 401(k), which is cool, but I just don't see the reason they'd want to spend the additional money on a permanent guy when, due to Michigan's sky-high unemployment rate, they have access to more disposable employees than they could ever want via the temp agency. Did I mention that I hate temp agencies?
So my birthday is coming up, I'll be 26 which is way too close to 30 for my personal comfort. I planned on having a shindig with my friends on the 7th of September but it seems that I'll likely have to change that date of that or possibly even cancel it entirely depending on my work schedule. I like working third shift but it's tough on your social life (although not quite the unmitigated hell that second shift is).
Anyway, when I have more news or something funny to say I'll make another post. Catch you hookers later.
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