Free golf-clap to the first person who can tell me what television show the above titular quote comes from.
So Target called and I had my orientation today. All in all a boring experience, but I feel good about the place and at this point that's all that really matters. I start Wednesday morning at 4am so that should be fun in a tired sort of way.
My regular reader(s) may notice that the links have changed in my "Stuff That's Hip" category. I'd like to tell you why. I removed what was my favorite internet (for lack of a better word) cartoon, Neurotically Yours. My ass has been seriously chapped by the content of "Unamusement Park" where the main character, a squirrel named Foamy, goes off on a rant about amusement park rides being shut down due to accidents that were not the fault of the park but irresponsible riders. I can understand the frustration at this given America's current culture of individuals refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, and stupidity. My problem with the cartoon is the names he uses when referring to fictitious accident victims, he names them all with stereotypical African-American names. Jonathan Mathers claims, via his Foamy persona, that he does most of his stuff improv so it's impossible to say whether he did this intentionally or not - not that it really matters. I'm disgusted, still, having seen this cartoon months ago it still bugs the crap out of me. The only reason I haven't removed the link before now is that I forgot it was there. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and worldview, but I'll be damned before I watch anything else that this Don Imus of internet cartoons creates.
There, I don't feel any better, but at least I got that off my chest.
Amusing camp memory: Apparently our younger generation has turned the "Your Momma" joke on its ear by including furniture in the list of things it can make fun of. One of my kids said to another, during the last session, "Your couch is so nasty that you fell asleep on it with hopes and dreams and woke up with hepatitis and diabetes." I was laughing too hard to tell him that diabetes isn't contagious. An amusing new bit of slang was either introduced or invented during that last session as well. Instead of, "Don't talk crap" it was, "Don't talk no shabangbang". It turns out, yelling this in a silly voice when your kids are starting to squabble is a great way to take their attention off their conflicts and put it on you. While it may not be the mad genius of my camp director, whose method of waking kids up involved a sock puppet that only spoke Spanish, it was still pure gold for conflict resolution.
Take care of yourselves and I'll catch you all later.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Tubs of Rancid Yak Butter
So I was 'saved' from having to work through the temp agency by... Target. By 'saved' I mean instead of an eight-hundred pound gorilla with a chronic case of diarrhea sitting on me, I now get to hang out with a close-talker who has halitosis. Sure one is better than the other but neither is exactly ideal. I am now reminded of Marie's job at UPS, who swore those initials actually stood for Ugly People of Satan - and I'm suddenly thankful just for having a job, haha.
Had my birthday shindig on Friday (another perk of getting hired by Target, I just wish they'd call me about orientation) and it was pretty amazing. Especially when I managed to get lost for 20 minutes on the University of Western campus. Thanks for the not so awesome directions, Kenzie, but mostly, thanks for being the awesome person you are, even if your navigational skills are even worse than my own.
The Lions open up the regular season this afternoon at 4:15pm EST. I can't help but admit that I am absolutely giddy about this game. First off, it's against the Raiders, the only team in the NFL whose record was worse than the Lions, so on paper we have a pretty fair chance at coming out of this with a win. I'm also very excited to see the Lions starting offensive and defensive units as a whole, in particular the offensive line (which is completely healthy coming into the season, I honestly can't remember the last time this happened) and rookie Free Safety Gerald Alexander, who replaces the injured Daniel Bullocks (torn ACL, out for the season) and is starting over 6 year veteran Idrees Bashir. Whenever this happens it always begs the question, is the rookie really good or the veteran really bad? My hope is that the rookie is really good, but you don't get to see the DBs all that much in preseason and Alexander mainly worked with, and against, the 2nd and 3rd units.
I believe the Lions will win this, the Raiders have too little offense and the Lions have too much, though one never knows with Detroit. Keep an eye on Cory Redding and Shaun Rogers, working together in the NT/UT positions for the first time, these two could become the premier defensive tackle duo in the NFL. Tatum Bell and Shaun McDonald are another pair to watch. Both of these guys were let go/traded due to under-performing with their previous teams, both looked great in the preseason and both are coming into today's game with a lot to prove. On the Raiders side, keep an eye on Josh McCown and Mike Williams, the tandem traded on draft day from Detroit to Oakland and both with something to prove against their former team. Warren Sapp is another Raider to watch. He lost fifty pounds this off-season and led all defensive tackles last year with 10 sack and yet didn't go the Pro-Bowl. If anyone in this game is going to come into it with a chip on his shoulder, it's gonna be him.
That's all for now folks. I hope you're all doing well and keeping it rockin' for the kids. Tune in next week when I'll discuss my nose-hair, or something else you're not all that interested in reading about.
Had my birthday shindig on Friday (another perk of getting hired by Target, I just wish they'd call me about orientation) and it was pretty amazing. Especially when I managed to get lost for 20 minutes on the University of Western campus. Thanks for the not so awesome directions, Kenzie, but mostly, thanks for being the awesome person you are, even if your navigational skills are even worse than my own.
The Lions open up the regular season this afternoon at 4:15pm EST. I can't help but admit that I am absolutely giddy about this game. First off, it's against the Raiders, the only team in the NFL whose record was worse than the Lions, so on paper we have a pretty fair chance at coming out of this with a win. I'm also very excited to see the Lions starting offensive and defensive units as a whole, in particular the offensive line (which is completely healthy coming into the season, I honestly can't remember the last time this happened) and rookie Free Safety Gerald Alexander, who replaces the injured Daniel Bullocks (torn ACL, out for the season) and is starting over 6 year veteran Idrees Bashir. Whenever this happens it always begs the question, is the rookie really good or the veteran really bad? My hope is that the rookie is really good, but you don't get to see the DBs all that much in preseason and Alexander mainly worked with, and against, the 2nd and 3rd units.
I believe the Lions will win this, the Raiders have too little offense and the Lions have too much, though one never knows with Detroit. Keep an eye on Cory Redding and Shaun Rogers, working together in the NT/UT positions for the first time, these two could become the premier defensive tackle duo in the NFL. Tatum Bell and Shaun McDonald are another pair to watch. Both of these guys were let go/traded due to under-performing with their previous teams, both looked great in the preseason and both are coming into today's game with a lot to prove. On the Raiders side, keep an eye on Josh McCown and Mike Williams, the tandem traded on draft day from Detroit to Oakland and both with something to prove against their former team. Warren Sapp is another Raider to watch. He lost fifty pounds this off-season and led all defensive tackles last year with 10 sack and yet didn't go the Pro-Bowl. If anyone in this game is going to come into it with a chip on his shoulder, it's gonna be him.
That's all for now folks. I hope you're all doing well and keeping it rockin' for the kids. Tune in next week when I'll discuss my nose-hair, or something else you're not all that interested in reading about.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Freshly Squeezed Apocalypse
Well, camp is over. I miss it a lot more than I thought I would, not just the folks I worked with but the kids and even the place itself. I had an incredible last session. My kids were just amazing and, so far as I could tell, I wasn't too bad myself.
There were two really amazing moments for me during session 6 and as is my custom, I'll describe the funny one first. There's a special double block of the nature program that we, the counselors, can sign the kids up for. The reason for this is the pond we go explore is about a 20-minute hike from the nature building and the usual 50 minute block just doesn't work out. Anyway, we hadn't gotten any substantial rain in like 2 months so the pond was really more a giant mud puddle. Young boys being themselves, well, they couldn't bear to keep themselves out of the mud which wasn't a big deal as they had waders on, well it wasn't a big deal until three of them got stuck. At first I tried to pull one of the kids out with some rope I had in my bag and all I managed to do was tip the poor guy over flat on his back in the mud and give him some rope burn which I hope went away before he got home, haha. Eventually, all three of them had to climb out of their waders and pull the waders out of the mud before they sunk back in the mud too much. Many pictures were taken of this but I refuse to post them on a public forum, even one read so little as this.
The other great, and certainly one of the most touching for me personally, moment came during lunch one day. Most of my kids were longtime campers and that particular day they were discussing some of the cool things they'd done in the past and the various counselors they had over the previous 2 summers. After a fairly long reminiscence about how cool some of his counselors had been, he looks me right in the eye and says, "But you're my favorite." and goes back to his meal. Any of you out there who have ever worked with kids before can, I believe, imagine what this meant to me at the time and what it still means to me now.
So I start my new job on Tuesday, working at a warehouse for Thermo Fisher Scientific. They manufacture plastic tubs filled with a water/formaldehyde mixture for doctors to put biopsy samples in. The unfortunate part of this is, despite applying for the job over the Michigan Talent Bank, I'm working through a temp agency. I hate temp agencies. I feel I'm being far too gracious when I call them the carrion eaters of the employment industry, providing cheap, throw-away employees for companies more interested in finding a quick fix rather than a long term solution. My job is called a 'temp-to-hire' position, meaning if I prove myself there's a possibility of actually being hired directly by the company. That's the upside, but let's be real here, why would they want to hire anyone on a permanent basis? They apparently pay their permanent employees $2-$3 more per hour in addition to benefits like insurance and a 401(k), which is cool, but I just don't see the reason they'd want to spend the additional money on a permanent guy when, due to Michigan's sky-high unemployment rate, they have access to more disposable employees than they could ever want via the temp agency. Did I mention that I hate temp agencies?
So my birthday is coming up, I'll be 26 which is way too close to 30 for my personal comfort. I planned on having a shindig with my friends on the 7th of September but it seems that I'll likely have to change that date of that or possibly even cancel it entirely depending on my work schedule. I like working third shift but it's tough on your social life (although not quite the unmitigated hell that second shift is).
Anyway, when I have more news or something funny to say I'll make another post. Catch you hookers later.
There were two really amazing moments for me during session 6 and as is my custom, I'll describe the funny one first. There's a special double block of the nature program that we, the counselors, can sign the kids up for. The reason for this is the pond we go explore is about a 20-minute hike from the nature building and the usual 50 minute block just doesn't work out. Anyway, we hadn't gotten any substantial rain in like 2 months so the pond was really more a giant mud puddle. Young boys being themselves, well, they couldn't bear to keep themselves out of the mud which wasn't a big deal as they had waders on, well it wasn't a big deal until three of them got stuck. At first I tried to pull one of the kids out with some rope I had in my bag and all I managed to do was tip the poor guy over flat on his back in the mud and give him some rope burn which I hope went away before he got home, haha. Eventually, all three of them had to climb out of their waders and pull the waders out of the mud before they sunk back in the mud too much. Many pictures were taken of this but I refuse to post them on a public forum, even one read so little as this.
The other great, and certainly one of the most touching for me personally, moment came during lunch one day. Most of my kids were longtime campers and that particular day they were discussing some of the cool things they'd done in the past and the various counselors they had over the previous 2 summers. After a fairly long reminiscence about how cool some of his counselors had been, he looks me right in the eye and says, "But you're my favorite." and goes back to his meal. Any of you out there who have ever worked with kids before can, I believe, imagine what this meant to me at the time and what it still means to me now.
So I start my new job on Tuesday, working at a warehouse for Thermo Fisher Scientific. They manufacture plastic tubs filled with a water/formaldehyde mixture for doctors to put biopsy samples in. The unfortunate part of this is, despite applying for the job over the Michigan Talent Bank, I'm working through a temp agency. I hate temp agencies. I feel I'm being far too gracious when I call them the carrion eaters of the employment industry, providing cheap, throw-away employees for companies more interested in finding a quick fix rather than a long term solution. My job is called a 'temp-to-hire' position, meaning if I prove myself there's a possibility of actually being hired directly by the company. That's the upside, but let's be real here, why would they want to hire anyone on a permanent basis? They apparently pay their permanent employees $2-$3 more per hour in addition to benefits like insurance and a 401(k), which is cool, but I just don't see the reason they'd want to spend the additional money on a permanent guy when, due to Michigan's sky-high unemployment rate, they have access to more disposable employees than they could ever want via the temp agency. Did I mention that I hate temp agencies?
So my birthday is coming up, I'll be 26 which is way too close to 30 for my personal comfort. I planned on having a shindig with my friends on the 7th of September but it seems that I'll likely have to change that date of that or possibly even cancel it entirely depending on my work schedule. I like working third shift but it's tough on your social life (although not quite the unmitigated hell that second shift is).
Anyway, when I have more news or something funny to say I'll make another post. Catch you hookers later.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Girl You're Fi-i-ine!!
Almost a month to the day since my last entry and so much has happened I'm not sure what to include, leave out or even where to start.
My last entry was made at the beginning of session 3 shortly after I had my tooth pulled. Near the middle to end of that session there was a bout of theft and other suspicious stuff (including two laptops found under a mattress in one of the 'counselor' rooms in the staff house) that includes $80 and a laptop all vanishing and possibly other things that leadership staff and the police have decided to keep to themselves. Since then the entire camp, including our personal belongings and vehicles, has been searched. We've had to fill out a written interview form and, as if all that wasn't enough, they are, to my knowledge, no closer to figuring out who the fuck the thief is. As you may have guessed this whole thing has ripped the group apart. The trust-bond I was so happy to have developed amongst so many different individuals, the ingrained support system one really relies upon when dealing with difficult kids - torn asunder.
Despite that, I had my best session of the summer thus far during session 4. I had an amazing group of kids. The only really tough part of that session was saying goodbye, especially when one of the kids, a foster child, asked if he could move in with me. A highlight of session 4 was 'Fantasy Day' which coincided with the release of the 7th Harry Potter book. Our idea was to dress all our kids up in "Wizard's Robes" which were really bed sheets and in truth the kids' costumes more closely resembled those worn by a certain hate group than actual wizard robes which, believe it or not, is funnier than it sounds.
The break between 4 and 5 consisted almost entirely of reading "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" which was a wonderful book and a solid conclusion to the entire HP series, at least in my opinion.
Last session, session 5, has been my toughest since session 1. I was moved back into cabin 4 after having spent the previous 2 sessions in cabin 5. Looking back on it now, I see I was hoping to turn cabin 4 into cabin 5 instead of preparing myself for the usual cabin 4 shenanigans. The session started poorly but ended pretty well which I attribute to my co-counselors patience with me and my ability to back-pedal like a madman when I realize I've been a dumbass. Highlights of the session include a kid dropping his swim trunks into a toilet, parading around the cabin with them until I told him to throw them out on the porch. Another kid then picked them up and began waving them around and managed to hit someone in the eye with what I have now dubbed, "The Toilet Trunks". Another fun story involves our "Camping Night" where we actually go out into the woods and camp for a night. A kid runs up to me yelling, "So-and-so crapped his pants!!!" so I go to check things out, look down the road and I see, much to my shock and amusement, a kid with his shorts down around his knees and his bare ass hanging out in the road. Here's the gross part: I then see him reach down into his shorts, pull out a turd and hurl it into the woods. Needless to say, I sent him back into camp after directing the counselor taking him that he needed new underwear, shorts, a shower and probably some hand sanitizer.
That's all for now. I'll be all done with camp here on the evening of the 14th. Then it's back to the real world. Hope to see some of you guys there. Here's to an amazing session 6.
My last entry was made at the beginning of session 3 shortly after I had my tooth pulled. Near the middle to end of that session there was a bout of theft and other suspicious stuff (including two laptops found under a mattress in one of the 'counselor' rooms in the staff house) that includes $80 and a laptop all vanishing and possibly other things that leadership staff and the police have decided to keep to themselves. Since then the entire camp, including our personal belongings and vehicles, has been searched. We've had to fill out a written interview form and, as if all that wasn't enough, they are, to my knowledge, no closer to figuring out who the fuck the thief is. As you may have guessed this whole thing has ripped the group apart. The trust-bond I was so happy to have developed amongst so many different individuals, the ingrained support system one really relies upon when dealing with difficult kids - torn asunder.
Despite that, I had my best session of the summer thus far during session 4. I had an amazing group of kids. The only really tough part of that session was saying goodbye, especially when one of the kids, a foster child, asked if he could move in with me. A highlight of session 4 was 'Fantasy Day' which coincided with the release of the 7th Harry Potter book. Our idea was to dress all our kids up in "Wizard's Robes" which were really bed sheets and in truth the kids' costumes more closely resembled those worn by a certain hate group than actual wizard robes which, believe it or not, is funnier than it sounds.
The break between 4 and 5 consisted almost entirely of reading "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" which was a wonderful book and a solid conclusion to the entire HP series, at least in my opinion.
Last session, session 5, has been my toughest since session 1. I was moved back into cabin 4 after having spent the previous 2 sessions in cabin 5. Looking back on it now, I see I was hoping to turn cabin 4 into cabin 5 instead of preparing myself for the usual cabin 4 shenanigans. The session started poorly but ended pretty well which I attribute to my co-counselors patience with me and my ability to back-pedal like a madman when I realize I've been a dumbass. Highlights of the session include a kid dropping his swim trunks into a toilet, parading around the cabin with them until I told him to throw them out on the porch. Another kid then picked them up and began waving them around and managed to hit someone in the eye with what I have now dubbed, "The Toilet Trunks". Another fun story involves our "Camping Night" where we actually go out into the woods and camp for a night. A kid runs up to me yelling, "So-and-so crapped his pants!!!" so I go to check things out, look down the road and I see, much to my shock and amusement, a kid with his shorts down around his knees and his bare ass hanging out in the road. Here's the gross part: I then see him reach down into his shorts, pull out a turd and hurl it into the woods. Needless to say, I sent him back into camp after directing the counselor taking him that he needed new underwear, shorts, a shower and probably some hand sanitizer.
That's all for now. I'll be all done with camp here on the evening of the 14th. Then it's back to the real world. Hope to see some of you guys there. Here's to an amazing session 6.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
The Anguish of Desired Apathy
So, long time since my last entry, there is much to speak of and little time to type.
2nd session went well, one kid in my group had a tendency to ruin the fun for the other kids (or at least diminish it) but that's nothing terribly unique so far as I can tell. Right after session I felt good, if a bit tired, but that soon changed. By Thursday night I had a 100.2 fever and the next morning the right side of my face had swollen up so that I resembled half a chipmunk. Turns out that a tooth I had chipped some years ago had absessed. For those of you with insurance and jobs that pay you in money this may not seem like a big deal but I was terrified. Luckilly I found a community health center which gladly ripped it out of my head for $79 and somehow I got generic prescriptions from Walgreen's for only $36 so the grand total only came to $115. Mind you, this is nearly half of the only paycheck I've received so far and I've also missed 2 days of work so far recovering (although I have done some work on these days, I'll have to see what they short me on my next check). In other words, I love my job but I'm not so in love with the pay or lack of insurance.
I have a few funny stories but I feel like I'm going to throw up so I'll save them for later (one quick funny one: we've got the magnetic alphabet deals for the fridge in the staff-house here and I've spelled out 'Barf' 'Puke' and 'Vomit' on it, which is impressive because we only have 1 set and you usually have a repeat letter).
You kids have fun.
2nd session went well, one kid in my group had a tendency to ruin the fun for the other kids (or at least diminish it) but that's nothing terribly unique so far as I can tell. Right after session I felt good, if a bit tired, but that soon changed. By Thursday night I had a 100.2 fever and the next morning the right side of my face had swollen up so that I resembled half a chipmunk. Turns out that a tooth I had chipped some years ago had absessed. For those of you with insurance and jobs that pay you in money this may not seem like a big deal but I was terrified. Luckilly I found a community health center which gladly ripped it out of my head for $79 and somehow I got generic prescriptions from Walgreen's for only $36 so the grand total only came to $115. Mind you, this is nearly half of the only paycheck I've received so far and I've also missed 2 days of work so far recovering (although I have done some work on these days, I'll have to see what they short me on my next check). In other words, I love my job but I'm not so in love with the pay or lack of insurance.
I have a few funny stories but I feel like I'm going to throw up so I'll save them for later (one quick funny one: we've got the magnetic alphabet deals for the fridge in the staff-house here and I've spelled out 'Barf' 'Puke' and 'Vomit' on it, which is impressive because we only have 1 set and you usually have a repeat letter).
You kids have fun.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Bra Makers Fear Zero Gravity Will Put Them Out of Business
So, first week of camp done.
Way harder than I thought it would be and a huge thanks to those folks who helped me out, you know who you are.
Despite the fact that I was on the verge of tears at a few points, I did manage to catch quite a few good moments with my campers and even remember several amusing things that I'll relate presently.
One kid looked almost exactly like Gary Coleman, which was just too funny for words a lot of the time. I always wanted to try to get him to say something about Willis but I thought better of it.
We had this other kid whose parents literally had him on an assload of meds. I mean this kid was doped to the gills all day long and he'd maybe have 6 or 8 lucid moments each day. This made travel or anything that required focus or critical thinking fairly difficult. The upside was that the kid would do some truly bizarre shit. One day we got a trophy for having a fairly clean cabin. The trophy itself is a dustpan that has a piece of twine running through the top of it so the kids can wear it around their neck. Well one of the kids took it from the doped up kid. The doped up kid decides he wants it back, so he strolls over, puts his head into the same loop as the other kid's head is, and begins sprinting. The kid doesn't realize what's going on until he's being dragged behind the doped up kid with his glasses lying broken on the ground. Later on in the week someone stole a cup from the doped up kid at lunch... kid dives after the cup thief, onto the table, sending cups, plates and fruit cocktail EVERYWHERE. It was amazing.
At the beginning of the week I told my cabin group that if they behaved well (ahhh to be 9 years old and able to embrace the ambiguous once again) I'd have my head. The idea was to have a concrete reward for their good behavior and for me to get a free haircut. No prob, right? Well I talked to a lifeguard about it and she said she'd handle it. I head up there on the last night in front of all the kids to get it done and out she comes with clippers... no... not clippers... a pair of scissors and a ladies razor... yeah, those last two things. Pictures of this will likely be on facebook by tomorrow if they aren't already. Luckily I still have both my ears and I managed to clean up my head today so it looks alright.
New session starts Tuesday morning and our beginning of session meeting is tomorrow night at 6pm which puts me out of commission and contact with the outside world until the afternoon of July 3. I'll try to get a new post up in between now and then if I have some time during a night off but there's always the chance I may not have the time and also the likelihood that I'll be too busy over the 4th so it may be some time before I'm able to update again, but fear not, I'll return with more amusing stories.
Way harder than I thought it would be and a huge thanks to those folks who helped me out, you know who you are.
Despite the fact that I was on the verge of tears at a few points, I did manage to catch quite a few good moments with my campers and even remember several amusing things that I'll relate presently.
One kid looked almost exactly like Gary Coleman, which was just too funny for words a lot of the time. I always wanted to try to get him to say something about Willis but I thought better of it.
We had this other kid whose parents literally had him on an assload of meds. I mean this kid was doped to the gills all day long and he'd maybe have 6 or 8 lucid moments each day. This made travel or anything that required focus or critical thinking fairly difficult. The upside was that the kid would do some truly bizarre shit. One day we got a trophy for having a fairly clean cabin. The trophy itself is a dustpan that has a piece of twine running through the top of it so the kids can wear it around their neck. Well one of the kids took it from the doped up kid. The doped up kid decides he wants it back, so he strolls over, puts his head into the same loop as the other kid's head is, and begins sprinting. The kid doesn't realize what's going on until he's being dragged behind the doped up kid with his glasses lying broken on the ground. Later on in the week someone stole a cup from the doped up kid at lunch... kid dives after the cup thief, onto the table, sending cups, plates and fruit cocktail EVERYWHERE. It was amazing.
At the beginning of the week I told my cabin group that if they behaved well (ahhh to be 9 years old and able to embrace the ambiguous once again) I'd have my head. The idea was to have a concrete reward for their good behavior and for me to get a free haircut. No prob, right? Well I talked to a lifeguard about it and she said she'd handle it. I head up there on the last night in front of all the kids to get it done and out she comes with clippers... no... not clippers... a pair of scissors and a ladies razor... yeah, those last two things. Pictures of this will likely be on facebook by tomorrow if they aren't already. Luckily I still have both my ears and I managed to clean up my head today so it looks alright.
New session starts Tuesday morning and our beginning of session meeting is tomorrow night at 6pm which puts me out of commission and contact with the outside world until the afternoon of July 3. I'll try to get a new post up in between now and then if I have some time during a night off but there's always the chance I may not have the time and also the likelihood that I'll be too busy over the 4th so it may be some time before I'm able to update again, but fear not, I'll return with more amusing stories.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The Secret Lives of Vegans
Having a great time at camp, it seems as though Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" song will be this summer's "Hollaback Girl". I'm not sure what that has to do with anything.
Some interesting things about our training here; this morning our director informed us he used to use a sock-puppet that spoke only spanish to wake up the kids in the morning, I'm not sure if that's the funniest thing ever or just really frightening. He also gave us a quote from a 5th grader he had once, "I'm really angry so I'm gonna burn this bitch down". Ahhh... camp.
We get kids on Friday so I'm totally excited and scared like crazy in alternating moments. It's like getting ready to jump off a cliff and not knowing if you're gonna fly or fall. I've decided I'm going to fly, taken ownership of that, so hopefully I've figured out how to properly flap my metaphorical wings by the time I need to.
Big props here to all the camp staff I've worked with so far. The most incredible, non-judgemental individuals I've met in my entire life. I got up on stage and performed in a central role for the first time in almost 5 years, something I would've told you two weeks ago I would've been freaked out about but I did it with barely a thought. I feel like I've reclaimed my life and confidence, I've lost some weight and am getting a tan. Miracles and wonders abound. Thank you, my friends.
Some interesting things about our training here; this morning our director informed us he used to use a sock-puppet that spoke only spanish to wake up the kids in the morning, I'm not sure if that's the funniest thing ever or just really frightening. He also gave us a quote from a 5th grader he had once, "I'm really angry so I'm gonna burn this bitch down". Ahhh... camp.
We get kids on Friday so I'm totally excited and scared like crazy in alternating moments. It's like getting ready to jump off a cliff and not knowing if you're gonna fly or fall. I've decided I'm going to fly, taken ownership of that, so hopefully I've figured out how to properly flap my metaphorical wings by the time I need to.
Big props here to all the camp staff I've worked with so far. The most incredible, non-judgemental individuals I've met in my entire life. I got up on stage and performed in a central role for the first time in almost 5 years, something I would've told you two weeks ago I would've been freaked out about but I did it with barely a thought. I feel like I've reclaimed my life and confidence, I've lost some weight and am getting a tan. Miracles and wonders abound. Thank you, my friends.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Burning Ovaries of Desire!
The above title a nice quotation by yours truly while out with nearly half the camp staff (and all of the camp bosses) last night.
The buzzword over here is, "Safe" so I thought I'd write about it, as it's been re-defined for me over the last 4 days. When I used to think of 'safe' I used to think of being physically safe from harm and being safe was being cautious (so as to ensure that no physical harm would come to me). Safe means those things here, but it means a good deal more too. Because we're taking kids who are in circumstances that put them in the most extreme categories of 'at-risk' (the application that must be filled out is weighted HEAVILLY in favor of those children who have insanely difficult circumstances, one example is that any child with a parent in jail gets an automatic acceptance) the biggest part of our job is to let them be real kids... kids like we were. That means they have to be more than just physically safe, they have to be emotionally safe and secure, perhaps even moreso. And that puts my job into a new light. Because the camp is secluded and because I'm a pretty big guy, I have no doubts about keeping these kids physically safe. I can put them in lifejackets, ensure their harnesses are secure for the ropes course and I can typically spot a fist-fight long before it ever breaks out, but I'll be damned if I can spot a kid's feelings getting hurt. One more emotional scar.
Maybe I'll learn some ways during training, before camp actually starts. I certainly hope so. I hope to update again sometime this weekend or possibly early next week. We're going camping tonight so that should be interesting and we're supposed to be meeting up in about 10 minutes to get packing lists so I need to wind this up.
Take care guys, and may you all be... safe.
The buzzword over here is, "Safe" so I thought I'd write about it, as it's been re-defined for me over the last 4 days. When I used to think of 'safe' I used to think of being physically safe from harm and being safe was being cautious (so as to ensure that no physical harm would come to me). Safe means those things here, but it means a good deal more too. Because we're taking kids who are in circumstances that put them in the most extreme categories of 'at-risk' (the application that must be filled out is weighted HEAVILLY in favor of those children who have insanely difficult circumstances, one example is that any child with a parent in jail gets an automatic acceptance) the biggest part of our job is to let them be real kids... kids like we were. That means they have to be more than just physically safe, they have to be emotionally safe and secure, perhaps even moreso. And that puts my job into a new light. Because the camp is secluded and because I'm a pretty big guy, I have no doubts about keeping these kids physically safe. I can put them in lifejackets, ensure their harnesses are secure for the ropes course and I can typically spot a fist-fight long before it ever breaks out, but I'll be damned if I can spot a kid's feelings getting hurt. One more emotional scar.
Maybe I'll learn some ways during training, before camp actually starts. I certainly hope so. I hope to update again sometime this weekend or possibly early next week. We're going camping tonight so that should be interesting and we're supposed to be meeting up in about 10 minutes to get packing lists so I need to wind this up.
Take care guys, and may you all be... safe.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Insane entrepreneur to sell lacquered waffles as 'tic-tac-toe' boards
So, moving, moving, moving and more moving. This would've been far simpler had we rented a truck and moved all our crap at one time. Unfortunately, moving trucks cost money and being that we were already hemorhaging money at an alarming rate it seemed an unneccesary expense.
Anyway, we've already got most of our stuff moved in and I believe our first official night there will be Friday (also rent day). Saturday I'm going to a bar or brewery with my friend Amanda to catch a band and then Sunday I'm off to Pretty Lake Vacation Camp for counselor training.
Funny moving story: The parking lot outside our building has a tree stump in it, right in the center of two spaces, seriously. My sister parked right in front of the afformentioned stump yesterday. When we left, instead of backing up, she forgot about the stump and tried to pull through (I also forgot about the stump but as I wasn't the one driving I refuse to take credit for her hitting it) and 'whammo!', hi meestah stump! Luckilly, no damage was done save that to Melissa's pride.
I'm gonna have to get a picture of our bookshelf. It's like post-modern white trash decor. Cinderblocks and 2x4's, but we stained the boards so they more resemble oak than the pine they actually are. I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well Phil, that's kind of like spraying air freshener after you use the toilet but not actually flushing it- it's still cement blocks and boards.", and you would be entirely correct, but I still like it. It also cast the sheer volume of books we have into a new light. I filled up 2 47-inch shelves and one 58-inch shelf and only managed to kill 3 and a half of my 5 boxes of books. I suppose would could add to it but I fear adding another shelf or two and we'd be in danger of having the whole thing tip over.
The rest of the appartment is pretty interesting too. For a dining room table we have a card table and undersized metal folding chairs. We have a spiffy circa 1950's diner wall clock but nowhere to hang it. Our microwave sits on top of the fridge because there only place that has an outlet and a suitable amount of counter-space is right next to the sink and that just seemed like a bad idea. Whoever designed our cupboards needs to be severely beaten. There's like 6-thousand of them and only a few can actually accomadate more than 4 boxes of hamburger helper. It's like the guy who designed them used a case of Ramen Noodles as his basis of how large they needed to be and that's utterly ignoring that half of them are over 7 feet high and Melissa can't even reach them. What I'm really saying is: Stop on by and experience the weirdness for yourself!
This blog won't be updated much once Sunday gets here but I'll try to update it during my breaks. Keep it rockin' for the kids!
Anyway, we've already got most of our stuff moved in and I believe our first official night there will be Friday (also rent day). Saturday I'm going to a bar or brewery with my friend Amanda to catch a band and then Sunday I'm off to Pretty Lake Vacation Camp for counselor training.
Funny moving story: The parking lot outside our building has a tree stump in it, right in the center of two spaces, seriously. My sister parked right in front of the afformentioned stump yesterday. When we left, instead of backing up, she forgot about the stump and tried to pull through (I also forgot about the stump but as I wasn't the one driving I refuse to take credit for her hitting it) and 'whammo!', hi meestah stump! Luckilly, no damage was done save that to Melissa's pride.
I'm gonna have to get a picture of our bookshelf. It's like post-modern white trash decor. Cinderblocks and 2x4's, but we stained the boards so they more resemble oak than the pine they actually are. I'm sure some of you are saying, "Well Phil, that's kind of like spraying air freshener after you use the toilet but not actually flushing it- it's still cement blocks and boards.", and you would be entirely correct, but I still like it. It also cast the sheer volume of books we have into a new light. I filled up 2 47-inch shelves and one 58-inch shelf and only managed to kill 3 and a half of my 5 boxes of books. I suppose would could add to it but I fear adding another shelf or two and we'd be in danger of having the whole thing tip over.
The rest of the appartment is pretty interesting too. For a dining room table we have a card table and undersized metal folding chairs. We have a spiffy circa 1950's diner wall clock but nowhere to hang it. Our microwave sits on top of the fridge because there only place that has an outlet and a suitable amount of counter-space is right next to the sink and that just seemed like a bad idea. Whoever designed our cupboards needs to be severely beaten. There's like 6-thousand of them and only a few can actually accomadate more than 4 boxes of hamburger helper. It's like the guy who designed them used a case of Ramen Noodles as his basis of how large they needed to be and that's utterly ignoring that half of them are over 7 feet high and Melissa can't even reach them. What I'm really saying is: Stop on by and experience the weirdness for yourself!
This blog won't be updated much once Sunday gets here but I'll try to update it during my breaks. Keep it rockin' for the kids!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Fearless Ferret Foils Fiendish Foe
Joss Whedon speaks out against the culture of misogyny.
There's not really anything I can add to that. I do not suffer from delusion of grandeur to the extent that I think I could say it any better than Joss. What I do want is to encourage you to take his advice. Donate some time or some money or, if you're broke and very busy, at least speak out. We can't eradicate gender prejudice any more than we've been able to eradicate racial prejudice or any other insane ideology out there, but that doesn't mean we should be okay with it and it sure as hell doesn't mean we shouldn't fight it.
There's not really anything I can add to that. I do not suffer from delusion of grandeur to the extent that I think I could say it any better than Joss. What I do want is to encourage you to take his advice. Donate some time or some money or, if you're broke and very busy, at least speak out. We can't eradicate gender prejudice any more than we've been able to eradicate racial prejudice or any other insane ideology out there, but that doesn't mean we should be okay with it and it sure as hell doesn't mean we shouldn't fight it.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Logic now declared "stupid person's fiction"
So, moving out on Saturday. Well I'm not entirely moving out on Saturday, just starting the process. If anyone knows where I can scored a cheap bedframe in the Kalamazoo area, you give me a holler, okay?
Coming up on the move has causes a certain degree of nostalgia, various floods of old memories and, inexplicably, some introspection. Taken as a whole, I don't think I could've asked for a better quarter-century... well I could've but it seems to me that things worked out for the best despite me still lacking a college degree (oh how I wish I had a framed piece of smart-paper to hang next to me at the next retail store or fast food joint I'll inevitably become employed at). Anyway, my bitterness about the post-secondary education system aside, I do have something I'd like to discuss, a memory I thought long lost that came back, I believe, as a product of the VT shootings and my introspection.
About 6 years ago now I lead a youth group lesson on bullying as a result of an article I'd read in one of the Detroit papers. The article told the story of Tempest Smith, a 12-year old wiccan girl who had been bullied by her classmates because of her religious beliefs. They would literally form a circle around her and sing "Jesus loves me". Tempest hung herself on February 20th, 2001. For whatever reason, the story stuck with me. Likely it's because I was bullied when I was younger. 4th through 8th grades were not happy years for me and it certainly felt like hell at the time. But this really isn't about me. I've neither gone on a shooting rampage and as you can tell by me typing this, I haven't killed myself either.
In truth, this article isn't even really about bullying or those who snap due to it. It's about the fundamental belief behind the bullying. The fundamental belief that Ayn Rand claimed as the fundamental evil of all human-kind. The belief that the lives of others aren't as valuable as your own. Even the golden rule is an off-shoot of this notion. You should not treat others well because "it's the right thing to do" but because you realize that every other person you come in contact with has a life equal in value to your own.
Unfortunately folks have made the golden rule the basis for their broken morality instead of the virtue of valuing life that the golden rule is founded upon. It's been one longass time since anyone considered the meaning of "All men are created equal". Think I'm exagerating? Think I've finally lost the plot? Check your local TV schedules. See all the reality TV? It's misery on parade.
Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to blame the victims of any of the school shooting over the last decade. The shooters made a choice and for that they are responsible. However, it should be noted that the shooters were, in all the cases I've heard, vicitims first in their own right. What it comes down to then, is the idea that we should treat others as though their lives hold value equal to our own. It is my belief that if we do, similar tragedies will be avoided in the future.
Coming up on the move has causes a certain degree of nostalgia, various floods of old memories and, inexplicably, some introspection. Taken as a whole, I don't think I could've asked for a better quarter-century... well I could've but it seems to me that things worked out for the best despite me still lacking a college degree (oh how I wish I had a framed piece of smart-paper to hang next to me at the next retail store or fast food joint I'll inevitably become employed at). Anyway, my bitterness about the post-secondary education system aside, I do have something I'd like to discuss, a memory I thought long lost that came back, I believe, as a product of the VT shootings and my introspection.
About 6 years ago now I lead a youth group lesson on bullying as a result of an article I'd read in one of the Detroit papers. The article told the story of Tempest Smith, a 12-year old wiccan girl who had been bullied by her classmates because of her religious beliefs. They would literally form a circle around her and sing "Jesus loves me". Tempest hung herself on February 20th, 2001. For whatever reason, the story stuck with me. Likely it's because I was bullied when I was younger. 4th through 8th grades were not happy years for me and it certainly felt like hell at the time. But this really isn't about me. I've neither gone on a shooting rampage and as you can tell by me typing this, I haven't killed myself either.
In truth, this article isn't even really about bullying or those who snap due to it. It's about the fundamental belief behind the bullying. The fundamental belief that Ayn Rand claimed as the fundamental evil of all human-kind. The belief that the lives of others aren't as valuable as your own. Even the golden rule is an off-shoot of this notion. You should not treat others well because "it's the right thing to do" but because you realize that every other person you come in contact with has a life equal in value to your own.
Unfortunately folks have made the golden rule the basis for their broken morality instead of the virtue of valuing life that the golden rule is founded upon. It's been one longass time since anyone considered the meaning of "All men are created equal". Think I'm exagerating? Think I've finally lost the plot? Check your local TV schedules. See all the reality TV? It's misery on parade.
Now don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to blame the victims of any of the school shooting over the last decade. The shooters made a choice and for that they are responsible. However, it should be noted that the shooters were, in all the cases I've heard, vicitims first in their own right. What it comes down to then, is the idea that we should treat others as though their lives hold value equal to our own. It is my belief that if we do, similar tragedies will be avoided in the future.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Read this post, or the terrorists win
Okay, this should be my last Lions post until August (preseason) so be thankful and enjoy.
Defense, defense, defense.
Bit of a shakeup on the defensive line over the last year. Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson left the team before the start of last year leaving Shaun Rogers and Shaun Cody to man the DT/UT positions while James Hall and Cory Redding played DE. A few games into the '06 season James Hall hurt his shoulder and was subsequently traded to St. Louis for a 5th round pick at the end of the season. Shaun Rogers played in the first 6 games of the '06 season and got suspended for a violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy, went in for surgery during his suspension and more was wrong than they thought so he was moved from the 'Suspended' category directly to 'Injured/Reserve'. Shaun Cody dislocated a toe 6 games into the '06 season and promptly joined Rogers and Hall 'Injured/Reserve' list. This prompted Cory Redding to be moved from the DE position to DT where he thrived. This year he's expected to start alongside Shaun Rogers with Shaun Cody working in on a rotation in what could well be one of the best DT/UT combinations in the NFL. As of right now Dewayne White will be starting on one side but the other position remains in limbo. Ikaika '5-0' Alama-Francis will certainly be a contender but unless he learns at very rapid rate I wouldn't expect him to start right off the bat though I do expect him to work in on a rotation until he does, likely 4-8 games into the '07 season. Until then I expect Kalimba Edwards and/or Jared Devries to carry the bulk of the load.
Linebacker in Detroit has been.. how to put this? It's like a really bad running joke. Seriously, Mike Cofer was our lone leftover from the Lions' "Silver Rush" defense of the 80's and since that group retired all we've had has been Chris Spielman and Stephen Boyd. Reggie Brown could've been in that group had he not suffered a career-ending neck injury. Since then it's been a bunch of injured under-achievers... until last year. Ernie Sims came in last year and as a rookie and lead the team in tackles, a feat last accomplished in 1988 by Spielman. It's a foregone conclusion that he'll retain his starting job at the Will position (Will, Mike, Sam - Defense speak for Weakside, Middle and Strongside). It's likely that Boss Bailey will return as the starter at the Sam position. Bailey showed some promise last year recording 85 tackles with only 12 starts, though his ability to remain injury free is still questionable. In the middle Teddy Lehman, Paris Lenon and rookie Johnny Baldwin will vie for the starting role. Lehman started every game his rookie season, recording 120 tackles but has only managed to play in 9 games over the last 2 seasons. Reports say he's healthy and if he can return to his form of 2 years ago it's likely the starting job is his. Lenon had a good season in '06 starting every game and had 97 tackles, which is a bit misleading as he lacks aggression which translates into him getting the tackles after the opposing RB has already gained 5 yards. Johnny Baldwin is an utterly unknown quantity out of Alabama A&M but Rod Marinelli gushes about the kid, so if his talent translates well into the NFL game he could emerge as a starter this year though I suspect that won't happen until at next season at the earliest.
The only bigger joke on the Lions' team other than LB over the past few years has been their CBs. Dre Bly is gone and Fernando Bryant is back from yet another injury (Ernie Sims accidentally knocked him out briefly and gave him a concussion causing him to miss the final 4 games of the season) which brings his grand total to 22 games played in the last 3 years. Starting opposite him is anyone's guess, and mine is Travis Fisher who, on average, breaks his arm every other year or so. When these two go down the Lions have no shortage of backups with Stanley Wilson, Keith Smith and Dee McCann all returning from last year in addition to 2 rookie draft picks from this year and 3 other FA signings. While the talent is questionable, one thing is certain... there's a lot of them.
We're actually sitting nicely at Safety this year for the first time since Bennie Blades and William White played (Ron Rice had a few good years and so did Mark Carrier but I'm talking 2 competent safeties) with Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks starting. Rookie draft pick Gerald Alexander is quite likely Kennedy's replacement but probably not this year and FA signing Idrees Bashir was only brought in to add depth.
We're sitting pretty at Specialist this year with both Jason Hanson and Nick Harris returning. Hanson enters his 16th season as only the 13th player in NFL history to break the 1,500 point barrier (which is really saying something when you play for Detroit) and is currently 5th in points among active NFL players and I think he's 13th or so all-time. Harris didn't duplicate his punting brilliance of '05 but still had a good year in '06 ranking 5th in the NFL for punting average. Shout-out here to longsnapper Don Mulbach who remained virtually invisible last year by not screwing up, which is the only time anyone notices a LS.
Defense, defense, defense.
Bit of a shakeup on the defensive line over the last year. Dan "Big Daddy" Wilkinson left the team before the start of last year leaving Shaun Rogers and Shaun Cody to man the DT/UT positions while James Hall and Cory Redding played DE. A few games into the '06 season James Hall hurt his shoulder and was subsequently traded to St. Louis for a 5th round pick at the end of the season. Shaun Rogers played in the first 6 games of the '06 season and got suspended for a violation of the NFL's substance abuse policy, went in for surgery during his suspension and more was wrong than they thought so he was moved from the 'Suspended' category directly to 'Injured/Reserve'. Shaun Cody dislocated a toe 6 games into the '06 season and promptly joined Rogers and Hall 'Injured/Reserve' list. This prompted Cory Redding to be moved from the DE position to DT where he thrived. This year he's expected to start alongside Shaun Rogers with Shaun Cody working in on a rotation in what could well be one of the best DT/UT combinations in the NFL. As of right now Dewayne White will be starting on one side but the other position remains in limbo. Ikaika '5-0' Alama-Francis will certainly be a contender but unless he learns at very rapid rate I wouldn't expect him to start right off the bat though I do expect him to work in on a rotation until he does, likely 4-8 games into the '07 season. Until then I expect Kalimba Edwards and/or Jared Devries to carry the bulk of the load.
Linebacker in Detroit has been.. how to put this? It's like a really bad running joke. Seriously, Mike Cofer was our lone leftover from the Lions' "Silver Rush" defense of the 80's and since that group retired all we've had has been Chris Spielman and Stephen Boyd. Reggie Brown could've been in that group had he not suffered a career-ending neck injury. Since then it's been a bunch of injured under-achievers... until last year. Ernie Sims came in last year and as a rookie and lead the team in tackles, a feat last accomplished in 1988 by Spielman. It's a foregone conclusion that he'll retain his starting job at the Will position (Will, Mike, Sam - Defense speak for Weakside, Middle and Strongside). It's likely that Boss Bailey will return as the starter at the Sam position. Bailey showed some promise last year recording 85 tackles with only 12 starts, though his ability to remain injury free is still questionable. In the middle Teddy Lehman, Paris Lenon and rookie Johnny Baldwin will vie for the starting role. Lehman started every game his rookie season, recording 120 tackles but has only managed to play in 9 games over the last 2 seasons. Reports say he's healthy and if he can return to his form of 2 years ago it's likely the starting job is his. Lenon had a good season in '06 starting every game and had 97 tackles, which is a bit misleading as he lacks aggression which translates into him getting the tackles after the opposing RB has already gained 5 yards. Johnny Baldwin is an utterly unknown quantity out of Alabama A&M but Rod Marinelli gushes about the kid, so if his talent translates well into the NFL game he could emerge as a starter this year though I suspect that won't happen until at next season at the earliest.
The only bigger joke on the Lions' team other than LB over the past few years has been their CBs. Dre Bly is gone and Fernando Bryant is back from yet another injury (Ernie Sims accidentally knocked him out briefly and gave him a concussion causing him to miss the final 4 games of the season) which brings his grand total to 22 games played in the last 3 years. Starting opposite him is anyone's guess, and mine is Travis Fisher who, on average, breaks his arm every other year or so. When these two go down the Lions have no shortage of backups with Stanley Wilson, Keith Smith and Dee McCann all returning from last year in addition to 2 rookie draft picks from this year and 3 other FA signings. While the talent is questionable, one thing is certain... there's a lot of them.
We're actually sitting nicely at Safety this year for the first time since Bennie Blades and William White played (Ron Rice had a few good years and so did Mark Carrier but I'm talking 2 competent safeties) with Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks starting. Rookie draft pick Gerald Alexander is quite likely Kennedy's replacement but probably not this year and FA signing Idrees Bashir was only brought in to add depth.
We're sitting pretty at Specialist this year with both Jason Hanson and Nick Harris returning. Hanson enters his 16th season as only the 13th player in NFL history to break the 1,500 point barrier (which is really saying something when you play for Detroit) and is currently 5th in points among active NFL players and I think he's 13th or so all-time. Harris didn't duplicate his punting brilliance of '05 but still had a good year in '06 ranking 5th in the NFL for punting average. Shout-out here to longsnapper Don Mulbach who remained virtually invisible last year by not screwing up, which is the only time anyone notices a LS.
Pleated skirt reportedly transformed into kilt when a man put it on
Back to back Detroit Lions posts, scary, no?
Yesterday I covered who we've added since the off-season began, today I'll cover how it should, theoretically, all work once the season begins. Please note that all theoretical starters are subject to injury.
On offense, Jon Kitna will remain the starting QB and Dan Orlovsky will move into the 2nd string role at least the first half of the season while Stanton will fill the role of 3rd string emergency QB. Stanton is reportedly having his entire technique stripped down (literally, he was on the radio the other day talking about how Martz is changing everything he does, from how he drops back to the way he grips the ball) so I think it's unlikely he'll see any time this year in between re-learning how to play QB and learning one of the more complex offenses in football. Last year Kitna was sacked 63 times, threw 22 interceptions and lost 9 fumbles. For those of you out there who lack an affinity with math, that nearly 4 sacks and almost 2 turnovers per game on average. Still, he did manage to throw for over 4,200 yards and 21 TDs. Personally I'm hoping the reduction in QB pressure the team seems to be shooting for also translates into a turnover reduction, otherwise Dan or Drew might be stepping under center.
In front of Kitna we should see a far healthier and sturdier offensive line with G Damien Woody returning from injury, C Dominic Raiola returns for his 7th season as he nears in on 100 consecutive games played, new addition G Edwin Mulitalo joins the crew from the Ravens, Jeff Backus, also back for his 7th season at Left Tackle, has never missed a game and is 4 shy of the century mark himself. Right Tackle is still anyone's guess at this point but I suspect George Foster from Denver will land the job unless Jonathan Scott makes some truly impressive strides during traning camp.
If Kevin Jones is at 100% I think we can expect to see him starting and sharing time with T.J. Duckett coming in for short yardage situations. If that's the case I expect the Lions to trade Tatum Bell, likely for a backup caliber CB or possibly a 3rd, 4th or 5th round pick in next year's draft. Simply put, Bell can start in this league and therefore demands a certain amount of money that Detroit won't want to spend if Jones is healthy. Brian Calhoun was initially brought in as a 3rd down back last year before Martz learned how good Kevin Jones's hand were. His future is in question given that Jones has proven that he can be an every down back from an ability standpoint, though Martz loves Calhoun's versatility given that he has the hands and speed to line up as a WR and work as return-man. Shawn Bryson's job is virtually secured given that he can line up as a RB, TB or FB so as long as he has developed his catching ability since last season his job should be secure. Will Matthews has vanished from the Lions depth chart, while no official news has come down the pipe I think we can assume he's been cut and I expect Aveion Cason to join him if Kevin Jones is healthy.
If you think the people lining up to get cut at RB is impressive you should see the WR corps. Roy Williams and Mike Furrey return as the only Lions receiving duo to each break the 1,000 yard mark in a season this millenia. Calvin Johnson joins the NFC leader in receptions (Furrey) and yards (Williams) in hopes of making this particular group the most dynamic Detroit has had since Herman Moore, Brett Perriman and Johnnie Morton caught a combined 275 passes in 1995 (Moore and Perriman breaking the NFL tandem receiving record with 231 receptions). Mention this to any Lions fan and you'll likely see a glimmer of hope, maybe a tear and possibly some weeping. The 4th spot still hangs in limbo although it seems likely that the spot will go to Shaun McDonald who inked a long-term deal a few weeks ago. Eddie Drumond figures to remain on the roster due to his prowess as a return-man despite his less than breath-taking performance the last 2 seasons. Devale Ellis remains on the roster, the only rookie WR from last year to survive this long. An undersized speedy receiver (Martz loves these guys, God knows why) out of Hofstra, if he's made some progress from a year ago it's likely he won't get cut. I could list the other WRs (5 in all) but all I could really tell you is that one of them is from St. Louis and we cut him last year, how he's back on the roster is a bit of a mystery to me.
Finally, time to address the tight ends. Casey FitzSimmons was the projected starter going into the '06 season but broke his wrist in the first preseason game; while still managing to play in 11 games he never appeared to be at 100%. He was replaced by veteran and first year Lion Dan Campbell who played in every game, catching 21 passes for 308 yards and 4 TDs which may not sound like much until you know that the Lions picked Campbell up for his blocking ability. Which one will start? It's hard to say, really. If FitzSimmons is back at 100% this year I suspect the two will split time. FitzSimmons, if healthy, is faster than Campbell and is just as sure-handed while Campbell is the superior blocker. 3rd-stringer Sean McHugh didn't see much time at TE last season but did get put in at FB occasionally. Given that the Lions don't have a FB on the roster currently it would come as no surprise if McHugh reprised that roll a second season.
Plan on seeing a post covering the Lions defense sometime later this week.
I move out on May 19th. It's creeping up and freaking me out. Comforting correspondence and furniture offers may be directed to my email.
Yesterday I covered who we've added since the off-season began, today I'll cover how it should, theoretically, all work once the season begins. Please note that all theoretical starters are subject to injury.
On offense, Jon Kitna will remain the starting QB and Dan Orlovsky will move into the 2nd string role at least the first half of the season while Stanton will fill the role of 3rd string emergency QB. Stanton is reportedly having his entire technique stripped down (literally, he was on the radio the other day talking about how Martz is changing everything he does, from how he drops back to the way he grips the ball) so I think it's unlikely he'll see any time this year in between re-learning how to play QB and learning one of the more complex offenses in football. Last year Kitna was sacked 63 times, threw 22 interceptions and lost 9 fumbles. For those of you out there who lack an affinity with math, that nearly 4 sacks and almost 2 turnovers per game on average. Still, he did manage to throw for over 4,200 yards and 21 TDs. Personally I'm hoping the reduction in QB pressure the team seems to be shooting for also translates into a turnover reduction, otherwise Dan or Drew might be stepping under center.
In front of Kitna we should see a far healthier and sturdier offensive line with G Damien Woody returning from injury, C Dominic Raiola returns for his 7th season as he nears in on 100 consecutive games played, new addition G Edwin Mulitalo joins the crew from the Ravens, Jeff Backus, also back for his 7th season at Left Tackle, has never missed a game and is 4 shy of the century mark himself. Right Tackle is still anyone's guess at this point but I suspect George Foster from Denver will land the job unless Jonathan Scott makes some truly impressive strides during traning camp.
If Kevin Jones is at 100% I think we can expect to see him starting and sharing time with T.J. Duckett coming in for short yardage situations. If that's the case I expect the Lions to trade Tatum Bell, likely for a backup caliber CB or possibly a 3rd, 4th or 5th round pick in next year's draft. Simply put, Bell can start in this league and therefore demands a certain amount of money that Detroit won't want to spend if Jones is healthy. Brian Calhoun was initially brought in as a 3rd down back last year before Martz learned how good Kevin Jones's hand were. His future is in question given that Jones has proven that he can be an every down back from an ability standpoint, though Martz loves Calhoun's versatility given that he has the hands and speed to line up as a WR and work as return-man. Shawn Bryson's job is virtually secured given that he can line up as a RB, TB or FB so as long as he has developed his catching ability since last season his job should be secure. Will Matthews has vanished from the Lions depth chart, while no official news has come down the pipe I think we can assume he's been cut and I expect Aveion Cason to join him if Kevin Jones is healthy.
If you think the people lining up to get cut at RB is impressive you should see the WR corps. Roy Williams and Mike Furrey return as the only Lions receiving duo to each break the 1,000 yard mark in a season this millenia. Calvin Johnson joins the NFC leader in receptions (Furrey) and yards (Williams) in hopes of making this particular group the most dynamic Detroit has had since Herman Moore, Brett Perriman and Johnnie Morton caught a combined 275 passes in 1995 (Moore and Perriman breaking the NFL tandem receiving record with 231 receptions). Mention this to any Lions fan and you'll likely see a glimmer of hope, maybe a tear and possibly some weeping. The 4th spot still hangs in limbo although it seems likely that the spot will go to Shaun McDonald who inked a long-term deal a few weeks ago. Eddie Drumond figures to remain on the roster due to his prowess as a return-man despite his less than breath-taking performance the last 2 seasons. Devale Ellis remains on the roster, the only rookie WR from last year to survive this long. An undersized speedy receiver (Martz loves these guys, God knows why) out of Hofstra, if he's made some progress from a year ago it's likely he won't get cut. I could list the other WRs (5 in all) but all I could really tell you is that one of them is from St. Louis and we cut him last year, how he's back on the roster is a bit of a mystery to me.
Finally, time to address the tight ends. Casey FitzSimmons was the projected starter going into the '06 season but broke his wrist in the first preseason game; while still managing to play in 11 games he never appeared to be at 100%. He was replaced by veteran and first year Lion Dan Campbell who played in every game, catching 21 passes for 308 yards and 4 TDs which may not sound like much until you know that the Lions picked Campbell up for his blocking ability. Which one will start? It's hard to say, really. If FitzSimmons is back at 100% this year I suspect the two will split time. FitzSimmons, if healthy, is faster than Campbell and is just as sure-handed while Campbell is the superior blocker. 3rd-stringer Sean McHugh didn't see much time at TE last season but did get put in at FB occasionally. Given that the Lions don't have a FB on the roster currently it would come as no surprise if McHugh reprised that roll a second season.
Plan on seeing a post covering the Lions defense sometime later this week.
I move out on May 19th. It's creeping up and freaking me out. Comforting correspondence and furniture offers may be directed to my email.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Psychometrist claims ability to hack into computer by touching its case
Let's talk some Detroit Lions football.
Why Detroit? Well that's who I'm a fan of and every other hack out there is writing a review of his or her favorite team, so I feel that in the spirit of being a well-rounded hack I should also take my blunt axe to this particular topic.
Covering their free-agency moves first, let's look at their noisiest move: Trading CB Dre Bly to the Denver Broncos for RB Tatum Bell, T George Foster and a 5th round draft pick. A lot of folks didn't like this move. On the surface it seems absurd to trade away the only defensive back we've had in the last 30 years to appear in multiple pro-bowls (a big shout out here to Lem Barney) but when you just look at the surface you miss most of the story. Dre Bly is a cover corner and the Lions run a 'Tampa 2' style defense, which relies on physical CBs who jam the receivers at the line of scrimmage and then drop back to play zone coverage, not man to man, and are also responsible for 'run-support' which in essence means forcing ball-carriers back to the center of the field. Dre Bly is simply not made to play in a Tampa 2 system, throw that in with the fact he's a malcontent and all of a sudden this trade makes perfect sense.
In return the Lions got Tatum Bell, a good addition to a Lions' backfield which finished the season featuring two RBs that didn't even start the '06 season on the roster while all those that did finished the season on Injured/Reserve. There are a lot of questions surrounding Bell given that Denver RBs tend to succeed in Mike Shannahan's running system for a few years and then generally quietly retire. They also got OT George Foster who I have listed as the projected starter at Left Tackle for the '07 season.
The Lions also traded away DE James Hall to St. Louis for a 5th round draft pick. To fill this void the Lions signed DE Dewayne White from Tampa Bay. Little is known about White, who in his 4 previous seasons has played mainly a reserve role backing up Simeon Rice. When Rice went down with an injury last season White stepped in and played very well, prompting the Lions to ink him to a long-term deal when he hit the free-agency market this year.
A few other notable acquisitions: RB T.J. Duckett was signed in what appears to be an attempt to alleviate stress on Kevin Jones (or Tatum Bell if Jones isn't fully recovered from his lis-franc injury suffered at the end of last season) in short yardage situations. Considering that each of the 4 teams that played in the AFC and NFC championship games last year featured a 'two-back attack' this move makes all kinds of sense. G Edwin Mulitalo was signed from the Ravens in order to bolster the pathetic offensive line play from last year which allowed a league high 63 sacks. Mulitalo's credentials include paving the way for former Ravens RB Jamal Lewis in his 2,000 yard season. The Lions also signed CB Travis Fisher who, in addition to have broken his arm twice in his career, is expected to compete with a whole bunch of other guys I either haven't heard of or wish I could forget to see who will take Dre Bly's spot and also to see who gets to come in when Fernando Bryant gets hurt. AGAIN. A whole slew of WR's were signed to short term deals (I count 6 names that weren't on the roster last year) in what will likely be a vain attempt to find a competent number 4 receiver. I believe Shaun McDonald is the only one who got a deal lasting over 1 year, meaning I expect most of these guys to be cut shortly after training camp.
The draft this year was quite interesting. Taking WR Calvin Johnson with the number 2 overall selection was pretty much a foregone conclusion unless the Lions could get a blockbuster trade from another team to move up into their spot. At 6'4 with great hands, a 4.35 40 time and a work ethic worthy of Jerry Rice, we expect Calvin to make an immediate impact on the offense which last year was, at best, spotty. With their second pick the Lions traded down to take QB Drew Stanton out of Michigan State. Stanton played on a horrible MSU team last year and still managed to play well. Mike Martz loves him and he's expected to be tutored under John Kitna for the next year or two and eventually take over. With their 2nd-2nd-round pick the Lions added DE Ikaika Alama-Francis who Rod Marinelli refers to as '5-0' since Ikaika came out of Hawaii and Marinelli can't pronounce his first name. Alama-Francis is probably the most intriguing prospect of the Lions entire draft given his raw athleticism and the fact he didn't start playing football until 2003. With their 3rd-2nd-round selection the Lions picked up S Gerald Alexander out of Boise State. A converted corner with solid speed and great aggression make him a natural to play in Marinelli's Tamp 2 scheme, though, barring injuries, I don't expect him to start until the latter half of the season if at all given that Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks are both solid safeties. With our 3rd round pick we added CB Usama Young out of Kent State. A ball-hawk with great speed and aggression he figures to become a solid corner in the Tampa 2 system, but probably not this year.
Keep an eye on: Manuel Ramirez, an overlooked guard who had an awesome senior bowl and Jonny Baldwin, a LB out of Alabama A&M that virtually no one had heard of, both drafted by the Lions in the 4th and 5th rounds respectively.
Why Detroit? Well that's who I'm a fan of and every other hack out there is writing a review of his or her favorite team, so I feel that in the spirit of being a well-rounded hack I should also take my blunt axe to this particular topic.
Covering their free-agency moves first, let's look at their noisiest move: Trading CB Dre Bly to the Denver Broncos for RB Tatum Bell, T George Foster and a 5th round draft pick. A lot of folks didn't like this move. On the surface it seems absurd to trade away the only defensive back we've had in the last 30 years to appear in multiple pro-bowls (a big shout out here to Lem Barney) but when you just look at the surface you miss most of the story. Dre Bly is a cover corner and the Lions run a 'Tampa 2' style defense, which relies on physical CBs who jam the receivers at the line of scrimmage and then drop back to play zone coverage, not man to man, and are also responsible for 'run-support' which in essence means forcing ball-carriers back to the center of the field. Dre Bly is simply not made to play in a Tampa 2 system, throw that in with the fact he's a malcontent and all of a sudden this trade makes perfect sense.
In return the Lions got Tatum Bell, a good addition to a Lions' backfield which finished the season featuring two RBs that didn't even start the '06 season on the roster while all those that did finished the season on Injured/Reserve. There are a lot of questions surrounding Bell given that Denver RBs tend to succeed in Mike Shannahan's running system for a few years and then generally quietly retire. They also got OT George Foster who I have listed as the projected starter at Left Tackle for the '07 season.
The Lions also traded away DE James Hall to St. Louis for a 5th round draft pick. To fill this void the Lions signed DE Dewayne White from Tampa Bay. Little is known about White, who in his 4 previous seasons has played mainly a reserve role backing up Simeon Rice. When Rice went down with an injury last season White stepped in and played very well, prompting the Lions to ink him to a long-term deal when he hit the free-agency market this year.
A few other notable acquisitions: RB T.J. Duckett was signed in what appears to be an attempt to alleviate stress on Kevin Jones (or Tatum Bell if Jones isn't fully recovered from his lis-franc injury suffered at the end of last season) in short yardage situations. Considering that each of the 4 teams that played in the AFC and NFC championship games last year featured a 'two-back attack' this move makes all kinds of sense. G Edwin Mulitalo was signed from the Ravens in order to bolster the pathetic offensive line play from last year which allowed a league high 63 sacks. Mulitalo's credentials include paving the way for former Ravens RB Jamal Lewis in his 2,000 yard season. The Lions also signed CB Travis Fisher who, in addition to have broken his arm twice in his career, is expected to compete with a whole bunch of other guys I either haven't heard of or wish I could forget to see who will take Dre Bly's spot and also to see who gets to come in when Fernando Bryant gets hurt. AGAIN. A whole slew of WR's were signed to short term deals (I count 6 names that weren't on the roster last year) in what will likely be a vain attempt to find a competent number 4 receiver. I believe Shaun McDonald is the only one who got a deal lasting over 1 year, meaning I expect most of these guys to be cut shortly after training camp.
The draft this year was quite interesting. Taking WR Calvin Johnson with the number 2 overall selection was pretty much a foregone conclusion unless the Lions could get a blockbuster trade from another team to move up into their spot. At 6'4 with great hands, a 4.35 40 time and a work ethic worthy of Jerry Rice, we expect Calvin to make an immediate impact on the offense which last year was, at best, spotty. With their second pick the Lions traded down to take QB Drew Stanton out of Michigan State. Stanton played on a horrible MSU team last year and still managed to play well. Mike Martz loves him and he's expected to be tutored under John Kitna for the next year or two and eventually take over. With their 2nd-2nd-round pick the Lions added DE Ikaika Alama-Francis who Rod Marinelli refers to as '5-0' since Ikaika came out of Hawaii and Marinelli can't pronounce his first name. Alama-Francis is probably the most intriguing prospect of the Lions entire draft given his raw athleticism and the fact he didn't start playing football until 2003. With their 3rd-2nd-round selection the Lions picked up S Gerald Alexander out of Boise State. A converted corner with solid speed and great aggression make him a natural to play in Marinelli's Tamp 2 scheme, though, barring injuries, I don't expect him to start until the latter half of the season if at all given that Kennoy Kennedy and Daniel Bullocks are both solid safeties. With our 3rd round pick we added CB Usama Young out of Kent State. A ball-hawk with great speed and aggression he figures to become a solid corner in the Tampa 2 system, but probably not this year.
Keep an eye on: Manuel Ramirez, an overlooked guard who had an awesome senior bowl and Jonny Baldwin, a LB out of Alabama A&M that virtually no one had heard of, both drafted by the Lions in the 4th and 5th rounds respectively.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Divining the true nature of Qi
Moving to a true post-industrial
I sure hope not. In this post industrial economy education is more important than ever. Most service professions (in name, not actual persons filling those jobs) require some form of schooling. Teachers, lawyers, social workers, and even clergy require at least a 4-year degree and post-secondary education is becoming more expensive by the minute and presently many of our states are near the breaking point just trying to pay for No Child Left Behind. You see my concern? We can barely pay to get our kids through grade 12 when in all reality, unless they want to live the Wal-Mart life (a respectable choice, I guess, but not one we dream of when we imagine our children’s future I suspect), they’ll need at least 4 additional years of schooling. The average 4-year public school in the ’06-’07 school year charged approximately $5,800 per year in between tuition and fees (I suspect “and fees” here refers to textbooks, meals plans and housing) which adds up to $23,200 over the course of 4 years just in “Tuition and fees” and utterly ignoring the cost of living those 4 years (source). Most of this our new graduates will start out with this in brand new shiny debt upon graduation. If our new graduate opts to get a teaching job in
Friday, April 27, 2007
Goodbye Blue Monday!
Lots on my mind today. The approach of the NFL draft, Rudy Giuliani declaring that a vote for anyone other than him - and doubly so for a democrat - will result in death, and my friend Liz's awesome recipe for chocolate pie, all have me a little pre-occupied.
In news that won't send me off on a tirade, my friend Samantha and her son came and stayed with me for a few days. It was great to see her and her son Michael (my Godson) is a real joy. I was totally not prepared for an 18-month old to be staying over and was utterly overwhelmed for the duration of their visit but it was still very enjoyable.
The recipe Liz gave me for chocolate pie was amazing. I broke out my Vita-Mix mixer for this puppy. It used to come with a recipe for bread because this sucker can turn wheat into flour. I sent Liz an email about this and she said it put 80's infomerical theme music in her head. I'm pretty sure I'm offended by this.
I'm learning to play chess. I don't seem to have any natural ability for it, which is to say I suck at it quite a lot. In fact I can't think of an adverb strong enough to describe the extent of how much I suck at chess.
I saw this earlier today and just had to share it with all of you:
In other news, two great things happen on Saturday. The first is the NFL draft, in which my favorite team, the lousy Detroit Lions, hold the second overall pick. I'll be rooting for them not to screw it up. Also on Saturday is clean-up day. This marks the end of the period where people put large stuff they don't want and won't fit into their garbage bins on their front lawns. Not only is it unsightly but other people drive around and pick through the junk, which is just weird, not to mention tacky.
Well, I avoided freaking out about gun control and terrorism so I consider this post a success.
I'm off to snort some blow off a dead hooker's stomach.
In news that won't send me off on a tirade, my friend Samantha and her son came and stayed with me for a few days. It was great to see her and her son Michael (my Godson) is a real joy. I was totally not prepared for an 18-month old to be staying over and was utterly overwhelmed for the duration of their visit but it was still very enjoyable.
The recipe Liz gave me for chocolate pie was amazing. I broke out my Vita-Mix mixer for this puppy. It used to come with a recipe for bread because this sucker can turn wheat into flour. I sent Liz an email about this and she said it put 80's infomerical theme music in her head. I'm pretty sure I'm offended by this.
I'm learning to play chess. I don't seem to have any natural ability for it, which is to say I suck at it quite a lot. In fact I can't think of an adverb strong enough to describe the extent of how much I suck at chess.
I saw this earlier today and just had to share it with all of you:
In other news, two great things happen on Saturday. The first is the NFL draft, in which my favorite team, the lousy Detroit Lions, hold the second overall pick. I'll be rooting for them not to screw it up. Also on Saturday is clean-up day. This marks the end of the period where people put large stuff they don't want and won't fit into their garbage bins on their front lawns. Not only is it unsightly but other people drive around and pick through the junk, which is just weird, not to mention tacky.
Well, I avoided freaking out about gun control and terrorism so I consider this post a success.
I'm off to snort some blow off a dead hooker's stomach.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
FDA intends to evaluate "Tastes Funny" slogan on Oscar-Meyer Deli Sliced Clown Meat
Some amusing things to see for you lot today.
First, you've got to check out Acceptable TV. Featuing such shorts at "Homeless James Bond" and "Operation Kitten Calendar", the latter a reality show spoof and one of the funniest things I've seen in months, maybe years. It airs every week on VH1 or you can just watch the episodes on the site.
The next amusing thing I have for you today is a video from the AMV Commedians series. What this is, essentially, is a comedy routine synced up with anime. Most of these are either uninspired, poorly synced, or just plain dumb. This one, however, is perfectly synced and the characters actions line up, as much as possible, with the subject matter of the comedian.
Not a whole lot more amusing going. Well actually I did see this blurb written by a guy likening the events of 9/11 to Pearl Harbor. It apparently escaped this fella that it was a nation who attacked us during the raid on Pearl Harbor as opposed to a small religious sect and then we declared war on a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 whereas we actually did declare war on Japan. I had to laugh but it's just so frustrating to see people out there so fundamentally stupid they can't discern between a small group of religious zealots and a country, and then to equate it back to the war in Iraq - which we now know had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks and had no viable WMDs - I mean how can you just happen to overlook all these crazy facts? And if that guy read this he'd be railing at me for not supporting the troops because I don't believe we should be over there because he can't discern between support for the government's actions and support for those who have no choice but to carry out those actions. To put it another way, just because I don't agree with the reasons you painted your house doesn't mean I hate your paint brush.
Okay, political rant, check.
First, you've got to check out Acceptable TV. Featuing such shorts at "Homeless James Bond" and "Operation Kitten Calendar", the latter a reality show spoof and one of the funniest things I've seen in months, maybe years. It airs every week on VH1 or you can just watch the episodes on the site.
The next amusing thing I have for you today is a video from the AMV Commedians series. What this is, essentially, is a comedy routine synced up with anime. Most of these are either uninspired, poorly synced, or just plain dumb. This one, however, is perfectly synced and the characters actions line up, as much as possible, with the subject matter of the comedian.
Not a whole lot more amusing going. Well actually I did see this blurb written by a guy likening the events of 9/11 to Pearl Harbor. It apparently escaped this fella that it was a nation who attacked us during the raid on Pearl Harbor as opposed to a small religious sect and then we declared war on a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 whereas we actually did declare war on Japan. I had to laugh but it's just so frustrating to see people out there so fundamentally stupid they can't discern between a small group of religious zealots and a country, and then to equate it back to the war in Iraq - which we now know had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks and had no viable WMDs - I mean how can you just happen to overlook all these crazy facts? And if that guy read this he'd be railing at me for not supporting the troops because I don't believe we should be over there because he can't discern between support for the government's actions and support for those who have no choice but to carry out those actions. To put it another way, just because I don't agree with the reasons you painted your house doesn't mean I hate your paint brush.
Okay, political rant, check.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Lifeguard drowns, is revived, and is then promptly slain by irony
So yesterday was April Fool's Day, well 2 days ago now as it just rolled past midnight. Not a single joke did I see. It was very dissapointing. I'll need to stock up on fake dog crap for next year (we own 3 dogs so the genuine article just isn't as amusing anymore).
Had a chance to visit for a bit with Doug and Liz the other day. It's always good to see those two as they now reside in Colorado. It was kind of awkward at one point because it turns out they came home because a family member died and I wasn't made aware of this so I just showed up and I'm cracking jokes at what is, essentially, a delayed wake. I may not have mentioned this before but I have a real talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like this one time at a picnic a bee landed on my plate and the guy across from me says, "Bet you don't wanna eat him!" ya know, har har, and I being the joker had to reply "Oh yeah I do, they're very healthy, I eat bees all the time" and Mr. HarHar asks, "Well how do you know they're healthy?" to which I replied, "Well I don't have cancer do I?" and of course, sitting a few people down was a lady who had cancer. I didn't really know her, couldn't have known, but that's what I do all the time.
I was introduced to the word, "Minger" earlier this week. Wonderful word, means nasty or disgusting in reference to a person and is usually used by males to refer to ugly females, typically in brittish slang, "She's a real minger, that one, a real 8-pinter". I think I actually love the phrase "8-pinter" more than I do minger, but they're both quite nice. Another favorite piece of brittish slang is "gets on my tits" in place of "makes me mad", though I haven't worked up the requisite amount of courage to attempt using the phrase in public yet.
I'm going to bed now.
Had a chance to visit for a bit with Doug and Liz the other day. It's always good to see those two as they now reside in Colorado. It was kind of awkward at one point because it turns out they came home because a family member died and I wasn't made aware of this so I just showed up and I'm cracking jokes at what is, essentially, a delayed wake. I may not have mentioned this before but I have a real talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Like this one time at a picnic a bee landed on my plate and the guy across from me says, "Bet you don't wanna eat him!" ya know, har har, and I being the joker had to reply "Oh yeah I do, they're very healthy, I eat bees all the time" and Mr. HarHar asks, "Well how do you know they're healthy?" to which I replied, "Well I don't have cancer do I?" and of course, sitting a few people down was a lady who had cancer. I didn't really know her, couldn't have known, but that's what I do all the time.
I was introduced to the word, "Minger" earlier this week. Wonderful word, means nasty or disgusting in reference to a person and is usually used by males to refer to ugly females, typically in brittish slang, "She's a real minger, that one, a real 8-pinter". I think I actually love the phrase "8-pinter" more than I do minger, but they're both quite nice. Another favorite piece of brittish slang is "gets on my tits" in place of "makes me mad", though I haven't worked up the requisite amount of courage to attempt using the phrase in public yet.
I'm going to bed now.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Choking mime unable to convey need for Heimlich Manuever, dies inside invisible box
In need of some cool new tunes? Check Saltillo out! Kind of a techno classical mix I found very enjoyable.
I just got back from Grandpa's birthday shindig. These are always fun because I get to hear about insane relatives that I've never met and are likely dead, but nonetheless lead colorful lives. Like my dad's cousin who apparently de-railed a train. That's right, I'm related to a guy who de-railed a train. How cool is that?
So, book review. Right-o.
Stephen King's "Cell". I read this a while back, decided I wanted to tell you about it. Book reviews are always problematic because if they weren't already interested enough to read the book, whatever you have to say isn't likely to change their mind. Not that this differes a tremendous amount from other forms of reviewing, only that books suffer from genre-mania (that is, a fanbase that is rabidly devoted to a single genre and rarely if ever partakes of anything outside) and there are a tremendous amount of them, all of which can be read for free from your local library. Anyway...
"Cell" deals with the idea of a computer-style virus, only this one isn't targetting your hard drive, it's going after your brain. The title extends from the opening scene where the virus is transmitted to the world via cell phone. Everyone who hears it, initially, goes bonkers and later on those affected develop a kind of hive-mind. Anyway, it's the end of the world and those few survivors must band together to try to defeat this new-age zombie horde and attempt to reclaim their lives.
The end of the world via virus isn't new territory for King, which is likely the greatest flaw in the book. As opposed to a bio-engineered flu that decimates the world's population in "The Stand" it's now a geek-engineered virus that treats your brain like the hard drive of your computer. Had King not written "The Stand" I believe this work would've gotten a far better reception as opposed to being seen as an updated, future-paranoid (and justifiably so, I think) version of what is regarded as his greatest work.
There is little in the way of character development, though one doesn't expect much given that you're only dealing with a few weeks in the lives of the characters. The characters themselves seem real enough, given the situation they're in, although dealing with characters who are always half a step and a quarter-second away from a panic high can be exhausting.
The plot moves at a good clip. I think King was going for a so-called "Tour de force" here, but he didn't realize that his topic mater was "The Stand" meets "Resident Evil" and that his current story lacked the marvelous and meticolously developed characters of the former and the pulse-pounding action of the latter.
Final verdict: It's worth checking out... literally, from your library. I wouldn't recommend buying this unless you're a hardcore King fan and even then I would wait (well I wouldn't, I own the bleeding hardcover) for the paperback, which should be released on June 5th of this year.
Interesting thought for the day: Most people keep things. Why? Because these things belong to them, not because they are worth keeping.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Dead Hookers: Sad or the organic equivalent of a rubber chicken?
My original title was going to have a deal about a guy with Dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as Mulitple-personality disorder) who had one of his alternate personalities kidnap him and he winds up with Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, it was a bit too long so you got a dead hooker joke instead. Lucky you!
So this story is amazing. Up until now I've tried to avoid getting "newsy" with this blog. Unfortunately my life lacks the interesting situations that are required to keep it regularly updated with semi-entertaining material. Anyway, you can find the original story here. Have you read it yet? I didn't think you would. Anyway, it's about this girl who apparently picked Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the television series) as a topic for her DOCTORAL thesis and now regrets it. Now I'm usually the one to point out that Joss Whedon's show frequently used its demons, vampires and other assorted monsters as metaphors in addition to using the cover of a show about a girl who kills vampires for a living as a way to talk about real life issues. Vampires as a metaphor for sex has been done before, but when Buffy loses her virginity to one and he loses his soul as a consequence and goes on a killing spree... well that's metaphor on steroids and one of the show's defining moments. So while the show does work on a deeper level and I fully acknowledge this, you would have to be bug-shagging crazy to pick this as a topic for... well any paper you might be doing that you would like some sort of academic profesional to take seriously. Sure it explored the unexplored, putting a female in a dominant role as a fighter and leader among a group that primarily consisted of men, exploring a main character's turn to a lesbian relationship on prime-time television, it was - at times - some seriously heavy stuff. On the other hand you also need to remember that there was a vampire on there who, for 3 seasons, had a chip implanted in his brain by a secret government organization that wouldn't let him bite anyone. At the conclusion of the third year of this he gets his soul back and, with the aid of some bling that would make Mr. T envious (a large jewel encrusted pendant), he shuts a gateway directly to hell thus saving the world. A good story? Hell yes. A good foundation for a doctoral thesis? Probably not.
I was going to do a book review in addition to the above rant but, seeing as though I wrote far more than I planned to, I'll save it for another day.
To make this post complete, one of my favorite videos of all time:
Lightning Bolt!
So this story is amazing. Up until now I've tried to avoid getting "newsy" with this blog. Unfortunately my life lacks the interesting situations that are required to keep it regularly updated with semi-entertaining material. Anyway, you can find the original story here. Have you read it yet? I didn't think you would. Anyway, it's about this girl who apparently picked Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the television series) as a topic for her DOCTORAL thesis and now regrets it. Now I'm usually the one to point out that Joss Whedon's show frequently used its demons, vampires and other assorted monsters as metaphors in addition to using the cover of a show about a girl who kills vampires for a living as a way to talk about real life issues. Vampires as a metaphor for sex has been done before, but when Buffy loses her virginity to one and he loses his soul as a consequence and goes on a killing spree... well that's metaphor on steroids and one of the show's defining moments. So while the show does work on a deeper level and I fully acknowledge this, you would have to be bug-shagging crazy to pick this as a topic for... well any paper you might be doing that you would like some sort of academic profesional to take seriously. Sure it explored the unexplored, putting a female in a dominant role as a fighter and leader among a group that primarily consisted of men, exploring a main character's turn to a lesbian relationship on prime-time television, it was - at times - some seriously heavy stuff. On the other hand you also need to remember that there was a vampire on there who, for 3 seasons, had a chip implanted in his brain by a secret government organization that wouldn't let him bite anyone. At the conclusion of the third year of this he gets his soul back and, with the aid of some bling that would make Mr. T envious (a large jewel encrusted pendant), he shuts a gateway directly to hell thus saving the world. A good story? Hell yes. A good foundation for a doctoral thesis? Probably not.
I was going to do a book review in addition to the above rant but, seeing as though I wrote far more than I planned to, I'll save it for another day.
To make this post complete, one of my favorite videos of all time:
Lightning Bolt!
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