New 'Barf on me Elmo' doll has consumers upchucking with enthusiasm

It's been a long time since I've talked to about the Detroit Lions, and with good reason since they finished out the second-half of the regular season with a 1-7 record. Rumor has it that offensive coordinator Mike Martz will be fired and replaced by wide receiver coach Kippy Brown. Is this a joke? Detroit's wide receivers were actually open about 3 times in the last 8 games and when they were open and Jon Kitna managed to get the ball to them there was only a 50% chance they'd actually catch it. That's like exchanging your mild head cold for syphilis (funny side note: the level of insanity requisite to make such a decision could actually be caused by syphilis).

Don't get me wrong here, I think it's may be time for Martz to move on, but I was thinking a couple weeks back that Detroit's receiver coach (I didn't know his name at the time) was likely going to get fired at season's end. On the topic of folks who need to move on, how about Boss Bailey? This guy only managed 47 tackles all season and only 188 in his 5 seasons combined(only 54 more tackles than Ernie Sims had this season alone). It's also time for Jon Kitna to get his boogie shoes on. His performance in the last half of the season was nothing short of uninspired and he tied for league lead with 20 interceptions while also managing to lose 6 of his 17 fumbles. Simply put, do you think you can win with a quarterback who has turned the ball over 57 times in 32 games? A stat not recorded is the amount of dogs who trotted onto the field and urinated on Kitna while he stood stock still in the pocket, after reviewing the game tapes I counted 16 times, an impressive number for the pooches considering opposing defenses managed to get to him 51 times and thus end their quest for bladder relief on a silver and blue fire hydrant.

Some additional news that purely the product of my imagination: Shaun McDonald plans on releasing a dance video based on his evasive maneuvers after catching the ball. Good idea Shaun, you don't ever manage to shake a defender but you do look pretty fabulous up until you get tackled. The Detroit secondary is also rumored to be collaborating on a book entitled "How to get Caught while Cheating on your Significant Other". Well fellas, if your skill at getting caught out of position on the field translates well to your private lives this thing should be fairly accurate, though I don't expect to see it on any of the best seller lists.

Bitter Lions rant. Check.

I had a date on Saturday. It was amazing. I knew we had something special there but I had no idea. None. And I'm at a loss for words to say anything else about it.

On that note, it's time for me to wrap this up. I've got people to call, parties to attend... maybe... I'm tired and not feeling terribly inclined to go out, haha. Have a great time out there tonight gang and for the love of all that is holy, BE SAFE. I'll get back to you after the new year.

Posts, tired of having dumb people likened unto them, looking into class-action slander suit

So I found this today, and I can't stop laughing about it or feeling badly for doing so.

26

Find Ultrasound schools near you

Now usually my blog titles have nothing to do with their content. That's going to change a bit today because I have been plagued by stupid people these last few days. At work, shopping, or on the road, I can't seem to escape morons. While these events are annoying at the time, they do, luckily, make for some good stories later (although I'm still trying hard to see the funny in the old lady who had to take an extra 5 minutes in the checkout lane because instead of grabbing two 50-cent roles of tape, she'd grabbed a 50-cent and a 76-cent roll, and needed to whine about it).

Story 1 happened yesterday as I was coming back from shopping (and putting up with that weird old lady in front of me in line). I hopped in the left-hand turn lane to turn into my apartment complex, only to realize that the entry-lane is plugged by someone trying to turn left, on main street... during rush hour... and I can't turn in until this chick (or possibly a drag queen given the big golden hoops I saw) is able to make her way out. Improving this situation is that there's another guy right behind me looking to turn in as well and, on top of a that, a big truck in the oncoming lane looking to make a right into the complex who just happens to be blocking her view. It all worked itself out and she managed to avoid causing an accident (narrowly). Just remember kids, when there's 2 lanes going out of a parking lot and it doesn't say 'Exit Only' that means you have to use the right-hand lane regardless of which way you're turning.

Story 2 is definitely the funnier of the stories have I for you today. We have this new guy at work... and new guy is dumb. Real dumb. George W. Bush dumb (a quick aside into one of my favorite George W. quotes: "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001). Anyway, one of the guys on our crew is a pretty decent actor and he likes to have on with people sometimes. Well the new dumb guy comes into the backroom and our actor friend asks him if he's ever heard of blue balls, not just any blue balls, the infection kind. The new guy, of course, hasn't. No one has of course, but the new guy is too intrigued by the prospect of knowing something more about his balls to question anything he's been told. Our actor friend goes on, explaining to him the symptoms (it swells up and looks gray!) and then, much to my chagrined amusements, the treatment: "He (the doctor) makes you take it out and sit it on the exam table, then, to distract you, he asks you to look over at the clock and tell him what time it is, and when you look, BAM! he hits it with a rubber mallet and all the pus comes out of the end!". Yes, he said that, and yes, the guy bought it. Was, in fact, terrified of catching it himself. The last I saw the guy, he was telling all his male co-workers on the unloading team about the "Blue Balls Infection" that guys can get. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself.

Maybe he and parking lot girl can hook up and make lots of illegitimate children.

Therapists miffed after being refered to as 'emotional jockstraps'

Seriously folks, the titles, they just come to me.

So I'm working at Target still. No big surprise there. My love life is still unrequited, my social life still dull, and yes, I still need to shave.

Oh, and the Lions still suck.

Now that we have all those cumbersome, Phil's life is still the same even though he's moved, details out of the way, let's talk about something amusing. Like "Scrubs".

Scrubs is, I think, the most imaginatively funny show I've ever seen. Now I've never seen an entire episode of The Office, but I just can't picture them having anything better than a young doctor chasing a bunch of elderly gay men off his porch while screaming, "Get off my porch you old queens!". I just don't see it happening.

Also, I keep getting invited to events that I can't attend. I can arrive at no other conclusion than my friends must be sadists and I, a lonely masochist, am drawn to them like a moth who enjoys having his wings singed is drawn to a bonfire. I'd like to take a moment here and acknowledge Dwight, Dan, and Ezra for all inviting me to things within the last 10 days that I couldn't, won't be able to, or likely can't attend. You guys are a not so subtle reminder that it's possible to have good friends and still be a loser. Thanks guys.

Anyway, my sister just left, so it's time for me to play video games while I sit at home. Alone. So alone.

Getting Poked in the Eye is its own Reward

So much to talk about, but I'm hungry. It's been way too long, I know, likely the handful of people who read this have given up on me ever posting again. Well it's coming, seriously. To placate you who are still out there, I have this amazing video to share. If you grew up with or ever owned a Nintendo, this should tickle your inner dork.